NEED ADVICE

[gunny]

Venting/Journaling,
My s and I built a beautiful, comfortable life together over 13 years. We did not want for anything. We had no debt, good savings, and could have done pretty much anything we wanted. I was semi-retired, having retired from the Marines in 04, we both worked 3 days a week at good jobs with incredible flexibility. I think, and have been told, that most people would have loved to have been as blessed as we were. We were getting ready, in 8 years, to retire and travel/camp around the country.

We had a beautiful cabin in the mountains, where we used to go every month to go hiking, biking, etc. We had a great life.

After 11 years of marriage, we still liked each other, I was/am in love with her, i found out recently she loves me, but of course, is not in love with me, she fell out of love apparently some time ago. My IC, and others who I know who have been married for decades, have told me that this in itself is not uncommon at some point in a marriage, and usually, if both partners are willing to work at it, the m can be repaired, sometimes even strengthened. Unfortunatel, while I am completely motivated to make whatever dhanges are necessary, s is done.

I read this to my IC yesterday, since she has encouraged me to journal, this is what I wrote:

I liked her
I was honest
I was kind
I was compassionate
I respected her
I love her
I was dependable
I was stable
I never laid a hand on her
I was not abusive
I was responsible
I was trustworthy
I never cheated on her
I tried hard not to lie
I was considerate
I was thoughtful
I provided for her and her for me
I did not have an addiction problem
I stood by her
I comforted her
I was with her through sickness and health
I cared for her
Sometimes, I had anger problems, I would yell in short swift outbursts and then get over it,
Once in a long while i would hit and object
I had major problems in showing my affection, put up a wall around myself, product of a very very dysfunctional family
Sometimes she was not my only priority, my family sometimes ranked up there.
Sometimes, perhaps more than I would like to admit, I would not listen to her
Many times I was not emotionally available to her
Sometimes I took her, and the marriage for granted.

I am still in shock, I ask myself, how can this be ending the way it is, with her leaving me on friday?

Just venting. I often read on here where other posters encourage you to vent. I am doing my fair share here, thanks everyone for listening, could sure use some encouragement, thanks everyone!