IDK, 25, but I can in part relate to SSM's wife. Coming from a background of abuse, I unconsciously wanted to prove that I wasn't "at fault" for attracting that sexual attention, and therefore part of my brain tried not to see myself as sexy. I too was initially eager to engage with my H, yet holding back, which diminished the amount of pleasure I was able to feel. Later, as issues arose in the M--that inevitable power struggle which Gottman details--we both felt somewhat hurt and rejected by the other, which resulted in me unwittingly "freezing" all my private areas, as I much later realized I'd done every time my abuser approached me. I literally could not feel my H's hand as he touched those areas, and I didn't have a clue what to do about it. He of course felt rejected, I thought it was something he was doing/not doing, he started to stonewall so that I couldn't try to talk about what I thought was happening, and so intimacy devolved.
That said, I was able to pleasure myself, I did experience O's, and because we did still love each other, we were eventually able to do the work to create a wonderful relationship, sexually and emotionally. SSM's wife's position is more extreme than mine, but I think I can understand how she got there. I can't understand why she wants to stay there, but then I find SSM's absolute rejection of all suggestions of change equally mystifying.
