time and distance

[any chance?]

Anxiety is skyrocketing as Wednesday approaches and W arrives back. All of our friends are amazed she is staying at our house. Don't understand that. Many of them are a bit tired and irritated at dealing with W and the situation, that is obvious. The most common mantra is: its over, move on.....

Maybe W thinks that as well. I am probably the only person on the planet who thinks time and space will make a difference. It is that fool aspect of my charcter coming back, I guess. I will keep my sliver of hope forever. It is all I have.

[~ kd ~]

Don't know if time and space will make a difference...

but it certainly will make a sci fi movie... if you add the alien...

Try not to panic until Wednesday... stock up on lots of distractions...

[jbnati]

I am probably the only person on the planet who thinks time and space will make a difference.

Count me in, AC. So that makes two of us. I think it's your only shot. You want to be able to look yourself in the mirror and be able to tell yourself you gave it your all, with no regrets.

I'm behind you whatever you do.

[any chance?]

I freely admit I am struggling with supporting my partner of 20 years through her clinical depression and the resultant massive roller coaster...as I have. For most on this board I have been an enabler, giving her a soft landing and supporting her fully. Perhaps that is a mistake.

I have been devoted to her for 20 years, despite the recent bad times, and cannot imagine cutting her off (divorce vs. legal seperation). But she has and is doing everything she can to remove herself from me and out R.

Should probably understand that this R is toast and I need to get a grip. Once again, the idea that I am a fool runs deep. How sad. How terminally sad.

[Telemark]

You're being pretty hard on yourself, AC. Sure, you made mistakes - we all did - but nobody held a gun to our spouses' heads and forced them to walk; they did that all on their own. It takes two to make a marriage, and it takes two to break one. No one person is ever totally responsible.

I get where you are...I'm still there at times, also. I walked out of my empty house this morning and muttered to myself, "I just can't believe this happened." But it did, and unless our W's get heart and mind transplants, they probably will continue to travel that same dysfunctional path without us.

My daughter and I were having dinner recently,and she observed that men tend to look at past or present relationships and see the good things about them, where women are much more critical. Makes sense to me; we men can make mistakes, get angry, yell or whatever...but a few hours later it's over for us. But it's not over for our wives or partners; they remember the hurts and pains and neglect that have been inflicted on them by not just us, but by everyone. I'm not saying this is true for all men and women, but it seems to be more prevalent in situations like ours.

Ac, I can imagine the anxiety you're feeling about seeing your W again; I felt it last week just seeing my W for coffee at my house. If you want my opinion - and even if you don't, I'm giving it anyway - it would be to act as cool, calm and collected as possible. Friendly, but slightly aloof. Don't telegraph the fact you're ripped apart inside.

Since March I've been doing a lot of reading about men, women, relationships, marriage...wish I would have done this years ago, but that's another story. But the common theme in in any relationship is that women want and need a strong, confident, secure partner they can rely on. Insecurity, self-pity, "nice guys" and emotional wrecks don't cut it.

Even if you can't feel it, put on the best Oscar-winning performance you can when she arrives. Fake it until you make it. Be strong, confident and secure in yourself. Think John Wayne. OK, it seems like a cliche, but admit it...he sweated confidence. And I think one of two things might happen: 1) your W will look at you with new eyes and become curious about this new AC, or 2) nothing changes but you continue to cultivate a stronger AC FOR YOURSELF.

And that, my friend, is really what we are all trying to do...become stronger persons so we can be happy with ourselves. Until we can be good to ourselves, we are no good to anyone else.

Show her the strong AC...pilgrim.

[any chance?]

I really don't understand where my W is coming from, or where her head is. She is returning to town for a week this afternoon,and has not contacted any of her friends to tell them she is coming. Worse, I am picking her up at the airport, and she has not contacted me to tell me when she arrives. I have sent two texts to her in the last couple of days - just friendly hellos, but have gotten no response. It is like she is living in her own sheltered world with no outside contact. And this is 9 weeks after she left. I am confused.

[workinghardguy]

Hey Any... here's a quote that I posted as my Facebook status today because I thought it so related... maybe it will help

"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense." - Tom Clancy

You're confused because she is, and then add in that she's probably very self-focused right now. I see it in my W too. It's about her and her plans and what she wants.

My suggestion... don't be at her beck and call. If she doesn't tell you when she's arriving c'est la vie. If she calls you and says "I'm here, come get me" well, if you can't just then I guess you can't. She wants to be an independent woman then that's part of the game I guess. And even if you can I'd still ice for an hour or so just to show you're not at her beck and call.

Today as I left for work my W, who is feeling ill, said she might need me to come early if she needs to go to the doctor. Told her I can't... have an important meeting, sorry. If you want my mom to come over I'm sure she can but my W will have to call. In the past i would've either cancelled my meeting or taken the role of calling my mom and arranging it. But W wants to be Miss Independent and single mom with three kids. Ok... here you go. I've certainly gone to the doctor with three kids in tow before. Yes it suxx but it's doable.

I think though the key is to not make it punitive or aggressive. I wasn't mean about it this morning, just matter of fact. I offered a solution that she could act on or not act on - her choice.

[jbnati]

AC, I agree with WHG. Get busy with something. You can't just wait around, waiting for her to call. If you are free when she calls, go ahead and pick her up at your convenience. If you are not free, just tell you will be able to pick her up.

It's disrespectful to you on her part not to let you know. I also agree with WHG, don't make punitive, just do it at your convenience.

Just MHO.

[gunny]

AC,
I also agree. You have already let your s know that you would pick her up. She contacted her twice. She is a big girl, who made the decision to separate. If you werent busy, maybe you could pick her up, but I would not be hanging around waiting for her call.

Listen to what these guys are telling you, they have been though this before/aleady. Think Man!!

Keep hanging in there, I am about to join your club, w is leaving friday!!
Semper Fidelis
Gunny