We were driving back from town and I was quiet and in my head. Then our song came on the radio. Which was so eerie because our song never comes on the radio. I thought I was going to come unglued, riding there next to him. He was quiet... but didn't change the station. As the song went on ... I felt the tears coming, and I felt my throat choking and closing on me. I did every thing I could to fight back the tears because... I didn't want to ruin a good evening AND tears would have initiated another R talk.
As we got closer to home, he looked over at me and said "Are you alright?" and I just nodded yes. Then he insisted.. "Are you sure? Are you OK?" and I said, "Yeah" but it came out a little broken.
We got home and I went inside to splash water on my face. When I came out he was right there.... and so I headed for the laundry room to fold clothes. I just did not want to have an R talk.
Later on he caught up with me in the bedroom and he said, "I don't want you to worry." and I told him I was OK and not worried.
And then he said, "Don't worry, because I'm not leaving".
I just about lost it .... but I didn't.
What I wanted to do was throw my arms around him and jump for joy. I didn't. I just stayed calm.... because... you know, believe nothing of what they say and 50% of what they do.
He watched my expression and I just said, "I'm so happy to hear this.. I'm really happy you're choosing to stay".
His eyes looked a little different, and he said, "Well, I just don't want you to worry about that". He hugged me.. then he changed the subject and we talked about school and how he had a few days left at his job.
I don't know what to think about his announcement, but, I'm wary and I'm going to be cautious. This is the first time he has told me since July 3 that he's not leaving me. Everything up until now has been about him wanting to go.
I don't know what changed inside of him and I didn't want to ask. I figured asking would go into an R talk...
I'm not hopeful about this at all. I have a big pit in my stomach because I'm still worried he will end up leaving anyway.
If what he says is true, then great. But I don't know what the future holds and so that scares me.
I guess what I do now is, continue with my changes... being calm, not engaging in R talks.. keep doing what I'm doing?
