DB'ing is soooo hard!

[25yearsmlc]

Rick I Think this is your main thread so I'll post here...

hope I'm right about that.

Seeking answers - thank you so much for your reply and kindness.

I'm interested in what SHE SAID the problems were in the m and what you believe are legit issues for YOU to work on, in YOU...that's what I am looking for...b/c you only control you. And some of this past history stuff is great for a t to work with

but this site is solution based short term therapy...so I want to know what can YOU do to help the R and what can you STOP DOING that hurts it?

DBing is a Simple but radically different approach...



Background - I am 53, W 45, both on 1st marriage and have been together all of our adult lives. Three sons - 24, 21 and 13. Basically had kids right away.

W background - molested as a toddler, her Dad (and love of her life) dies at age 8, mother left with 7 kids to raise so very little support for my W. She learns to keep everything bottled up inside. Spends teen years being promiscous, drunk and addicted to diet pills. She is a seriously beautiful woman who was able to attract any man she ever wanted. Gets engaged to another guy, pregnant and has an abortion. At 18 meets me, works for me and we become great friends. At 20 moves from her Mom's house to mine and has our first child on her 21st birthday.

Okay so this ^^^is all about her and how wacky and damaged her back ground is and how odd it is that you would choose her

b/c there's not one good quality about her listed here (except for her looks). Don't you think that's strange?


Marriage years - the tough stuff was that W had a complete inabilty to trust so very tough for me all along. Also, W had a problem with creating a double standard in that she could have any male friend she wanted, even flirtateous but could not give me the trust I needed. In addition ,while being a loving, generous woman, and incredibly loving Mom, she never really would accept adult responsibilities in many ways. She withdrew over and over whenever the world of adult responsibilities were there. She had a weird self loathing and incredibly negative body image problem.

Still waiting to hear about YOU and your issues...if she's a total loser than I guess you are powerless to do anything.

Do you want to be powerless? If not, then find something to work on in YOU.


Marriage problems - I would often be angry about her mistrust, double standards, lack of financial understanding or effort, inabilty to communicate, and drinking too much at times.

Oh I see. So your anger was totally justified b/c of these other flaws SHE had? Sense any pattern here Rick?

I don't mean to hit you with a 2 x 4-- but you are really missing the boat here.


These problems were always there but the great stuff kept our family going.

what great stuff? I didn't see or hear of any. Oh, she's really pretty? Is that the great stuff?

Seriously, I am asking you, is that what's great about your m and her? IF that's it, I can imagine her self esteem would be low

b/c looks fade and every woman knows it. So does every man.


However, her issues kept growing inside, as well as her unhappiness.

She is basically saying we are incompatible. Her biggest complaint is that I did not listen to her, that I would take over the conversation and overwhelm her.

Okay so here is ONE thing she said that YOU can work on....So what 180s are YOU doing to contrast that negative image she has, with the new "listening" you?

There's some truth to this in that we were polar opposites in that I was the breadwinner of the family, and would see any problem as an issue to be fixed immediately. It was my nature to go at problems directly to fix them, while she would hide away from any issue.

Wait....What do either of these traits^^^ of yours, have to do with being a poor listener? You just touched on a real complaint of hers and then glossed right over it...and the complaint was that you don't listen to her (or value her opinion??) And then you skip her concern and talk about yourself and your interesting quirks (but not flaws) and then you criticize her, again.

Do you see where you managed to put her down again at the end, after supposedly addressing a flaw of yours? And you didn't address the flaw; you explained and excused it.


Basically she has reached the end of her rope, is burnt out, depressed, unsure of herself in every aspect of her life, not sure what she wants (including H and kids), wants to be alone and not have to answer to anyone. She is seeing a psychiatrist and is on an antianxiety medication. This has been going on since March and I see her getting worse.

I read that 90% of women on anti-depressants have critical spouses. Any truth to that in your sitch? Just asking what you think of that statistic.

Again, if this is all going to be about how flawed and wrong SHE IS and how you are understandably flummoxed,

then you have little hope of changing the M b/c you are not really looking at yourself to change. You sound like you want her to get it, and not like you want to get it or change you.

Sorry but the success rate around here is way higher for those marriages in which the LBSer changes the most and first...and sometimes without any reciprocal change in the WAS...but the LBSer is still a better person for it.


Here's what happens when we are lucky...

Sometimes the WAS sees it, and wants back in...b/c they miss what they could have had...and the LBSer sees that her approach to a flawed neglectful h could have been warmer and more loving

and sometimes she sees that it's not about being "right"; it's about being happy.

And sometimes she gets lucky and becomes a woman only a fool would leave, and sometimes her h isn't a fool anymore.

Best news I ever got from a mc was NOT that h was selfish or wrong, but that I had some work to do.

B/c then I was Not powerless in the demise of my m. You are not either, unless you choose to blame her for all of this.

If she has an a, and she's at least having an EA, in her mind you probably pushed her into his arms.

Doesn't make her or the A right. But stop acting as if this is all totally a shock to you or inexplicable.

I barely know you and yet I can imagine she HAS been lonely and depressed and you have shut her down.

How could she feel good about her life or herself, the way YOU described it, and her?




She is saying that she never really made any decisions in her life, basically let things happen, and that she has f'd up her life. She never really did had the normal formative years that many of us do - college, independence, freedom as a single person, etc. I can see how with all of this going on in her head and that it has reached critical mass, she needs to break off and figure it all out.

It's just so awful to do when my W has written me off as a human being, never mind 24 yr marriage partner. It's so hard not to be a part of her life anymore, nor maybe forever. I'm doing my best though, but as sad as humanly possible while doing it!

explain this^^...are you being sad as humanly possible around her and your sons or what? I don't know what that means there.

And since you must have heard by now, you can believe NONE of what she says and only half of what she does. Stop paying attention to the scary monsters in your head that tell you that you are not a part of her life anymore.

That's Not irrevocable. Not much in this situation is.

Thank you so much. You are so kind.

I'm not big on confronting about an A, unless you are saying it's an absolute deal breaker if true.

OR you are sure you are going to DO something about it (in the legal sense, not breaking legs)

And you don't have to confront for that anyhow. But if you want to

keep the Road Home, Paved and Smooth...you might not want to make it so hard for her to return. And confronting and blaming and telling others...makes it a lot harder for her.

Shame and guilt will backfire on you also. Plus they don't really have a place in a loving m, do they?

Do you want to repair this marriage?

Can you step back and work on you and only you?

Can you GAL? Can you describe 2 180s you are doing?

Can you be the best dad you can be so your boys don't feel like both their parents are AWOL?

Can you understand that your w sounds as if she is in full MLC and possibly has good reason for being unhappy in the marriage

That's actually good news--YOU can do something about it

it's NOT good news to hear that the "marriage was GREAT" and suddenly she was gone...makes no sense. Makes you a powerless victim. Do you get that?

If you want to be in charge of your life, than take charge of it.

That means YOU and only you are responsible for your happiness.
Work on being the best YOU that you can be. What does RIck need to work on other than being a better listener? May I guess that Rick needs to be less critical? have you read The Five Love Languages?

Next to the DB books I'd say it's among the best marriage books I've read.

I'd guess your Love Language (the way you show it) is not what your w wants or needs to hear or receive...

Lead by example. Show your sons the same...give your w space and time and stop worrying about all her symptoms (the cousin is a symptom, not a cause of the problems and if you focus only on him,

you'll miss the chance of a lifetime.)

Hope this helps.