new to this..

[workinghardguy]

L2L... [censored] being at work doesn't it? I know... I think the staff outside my office must think I'm either a) playing video games all day or b) working on a super-secret government project because my door is shut so much now. Really I'm just trying to process and not let them see me breakdown since I never know when it's going to hit.

Do yourself a favor and stop trying to mind read. You can't do it. Last few weeks I was doing the same thing. No comms from my W at all... but I'd see on phone records that she can text five other people during the day, just not me.

There may be someone else as well, to be honest. Men tend to not flee unless they have somewhere to flee too. But that's his loss, right?

There's nothing to say but that this [censored]. That some days are better than others and some hours are better than others. Know that tomorrow will come and that others have made it through. Some with their Rs pieced together and some without, but we make it through. Pour your energy into your daughters. Just start making a life without him and work on enjoying that life.

If he comes back to join that life... great. If not, at least you have a great life to live. You can live without him. I can live without my W. I don't enjoy the thought of starting over, of doing this again but I can do it. And I will do it for my S and for me. But take it one step at a time. make a better you and a better life.

[learning2listen]

HELP! I have not heard from my H since last week when he dropped our d off, this has become quite normal. However he suggested that we have lunch on a couple different occasions, but I did not push and now it seems he is not going to pursue that. WHy am I so negative.

My H can and does just push people out of his life, I have seen him do it over the last 11 years.. I think that is what I am facing, we have been separated for over 2 months and we have not discussed anything.

I am afraid to mention anything because I do not want to push, however I am in complete limbo.

[Hopeful321]

I understand where you are coming from. My H will not talk to me at all. But on occassion he will send me an email or text about out D. But he can find time to text other women.

H walked out 3 1/2 months ago. I figure if I give him his space and time, then maybe he can get rid of the alien that has invaded his body.

((())))

[learning2listen]

thank you for the response.. funny really, you just described my office without even seeing it. I used to never shut my door, now it is shut the majority of the day.

Today will probably really stink, I know he is going to schedule time with our d, and for some reason he cant just pick a day and a plan and stick with it.. however I am suppose to just let it be.

as for phone records..lol! I check them pretty regularly, and find he is not talking to anyone, no texts for 2 days, and like 2 phone calls at 2 minutes each..Really strange!



how do you stop yourself from mind reading? its a sickness for me, like what I would imagine an addiction to feel like.

[Accuray]

Learning2listen,

One thing that my DB coach told me was that I cannot "own" my W's problems and insecurities. You can focus on yourself, and improve your own relationship skills and knowledge, but you can't take responsibility for H. You can't control it, and trying to "figure him out" right now will just make you nuts. As someone pointed out, he sounds depressed and MLC, and probably doesn't have himself figured out.

The other thing about WAS is that they make you "the bad one" in the relationship, because it makes them feel better about their actions, then they resent you for putting them where they are. If you beg or indicate how unhappy you are, they resent you for giving them power over your happiness. If you complain, lecture, or criticize, they resent you for making them feel badly.

According to everything I've read, you're doing the right thing by giving distance. When WAS pulls away, your best move is to detach and pull away too. While this may not pull them closer, it will prevent them from pulling away even farther -- it's treading water for now.

Then, if you GAL, get yourself straightened out and appear to be happy again, they will start to wonder why and may make some overtures.

I've done a ton of reading and research, and in your situation there are a lot of ways to make things worse, but few guaranteed ways to make things better. It comes down to working on yourself, becoming "ok" with you, no matter what the outcome is. The less you need them, the easier it is for them to come back and them more attractive you are.

The hardest thing is to surrender to what you cannot control, because your rational mind wants to believe that this is a problem that you can solve, if you only demonstrate your love for WAS, if you only explain what a big mistake their making and how badly you want them back, how could they possibly turn their back on that? Unfortunately, as anyone here will tell you, pursuing doesn't work.

It's extremely hard, it's against your instincts, but you do have to detatch and not try to own H's problems right now.

It's brutal! I feel for you and I wish you the best!

Accuray

[learning2listen]

my H does suffer from depression, he knows he does, he just never has taken the time to figure out why. His family enables this behavorior and so have I.

In a way I feel like he has finally realized this and has decided to do something about it. But then again he may just be running from it. Only time will tell.

Its really interesting the rollercoaster I have been on, he said he was miserable and in the beginning I thought why the hell is that my problem.. now i think maybe I was too.. maybe we are just better off on this road.. the more time I give him the more time I have to reflect also. hmmmm

[Accuray]

That's normal too. When our spouse leaves it's normal to want them back with intense emotion because (1) we've been rejected and don't like that feeling and (2) we can't have them right now, and that makes us want them even more!

It's not rational, in some cases we want them more than we did when we were dating. I always thought that if my W cheated on me, I would be out the door and she would need to apologize profusely and woo me back. When it actually happened, however, I felt like I had to do the apologizing and the courting.

It's normal to have moments of clarity when we step back and ask "why do I want this person who has wronged me? Would I be better off without them?"

We need to keep doing a "gut check" when that happens and stay in touch with your motivations. In my case, I found that I really did love my W very much and believed my life would be better with her than without, but it is healthy to question!

[learning2listen]

I am really bothered and need some help on this subject. My h called my d cell phone but my other d (his step d) answered and basically he asked d if he could pick up my youngest for his visit after school tomorrow. The problem I have is why is he arranging visitation through my children? I have talked (more like yelled) about this once before, and he said he didnt realize he had to clear it with me.

In fairness he mentioned last week he thought he would be picking her up on Wednesday but nothing was for sure.

We havent spoke for a week and our last conversation was good, I do not understand why he thinks this ok. He went through the crazy visitation with my ex and always made a comment that it was wrong.

Help! I do not want to react or respond negative I just want the problem addressed.

[25yearsmlc]

Whoa slow down...

why can't you pick up the phone and ask him about the visitation? Why is HE the idiot for having no contact?

Do NOT ask him "why" he "hasn't called" and do NOT ask "how can he shut them out" etc

b;c you are literally doing the same thing. You chose to go dark (i get why) and then so did he.


Then you assumed several different negative reasons HE MUST have for that

and none of those applied to you. You even believed he must have OW b/c he had not called but you had NOT called him either.

Am I missing something? Maybe I misread it...but He's alone now, right?

You don't think he's lonely or sad? Isn't it possible that talking to you is hard on him

the same way You having contact with him was hard on you?

I mean it surely seems possible, doesn't it?

And you say he has problem with depression. I bet he doesn't feel like he's a fun guy to talk to

and he may be withdrawing, as hurt depressed people often do.

Try harder not to mindread OR attribute only negative motives to his actions.


Try to give him the benefit of the doubt, at least when it doesn't cost you anything and you risk nothing.

And pick up the phone yourself if you have a real question to ask him.

My db coach told me that questions that begin with "WHY??" or "HOW CAN YOU"....are

designed to make the recipient feel defensive. They often trigger fights.

So try not to ask those.

Just tell him what you need from him, and see if he can handle that.

make sense?

[learning2listen]

ok, to clarify.. I am to contact him? I am literally so confused. I feel as though I am playing a game I dont know the rules to?

I am reading the DR and the part I am not understanding and clearly the reason my h has such a hard time comeing to me is I see negative in everything. I get that. I am working on that, but quite honestly the rejection from him hurts so badly I want to crawl in a corner and suck my thumb!

So beings the visitation is not set in stone weekly (his work schedule varies) I simply asked him if he could firm it up with me instead of going through the kids, he is not following that. But I see the way I did it before was negative, I am trying to do it in a positive way..

I would love to think he is lonely and sad, that would mean he is feeling something other than the resentment and misery he stated he felt while at home, but how am I suppose to know he is or isnt? He does not want what we had, he said that, but he is not ready to call it quits either? He suggested lunch last week but it didnt happen and now we arent talking, but nothing really happened to stop talking other than I stopped contacting him, am I suppose to keep contacting him?