Okay. I am responding to all of you wonderful, caring people who took the time to help me out - Mr Bond (James Bond); Accuray, KD, DG, gabbysmom23 and Ken F.
I did confront my W early on and a few times later when I found out different aspects of the sitch. She tripped herself up a few times that made feel as if she was plainly bagged and didn't have her cover story ready, but in other conversations she tells a story of it being only a close friendship that satisfies her needs while she works thru what might be best described as a major life/psychological upheaval. There is a very strong history of PTSD from her childhood. She is seeing a psychiatrist and on anti-anxiety med. In the end I see a woman who is very troubled and in crisis, but is handling it all in the most selfish way possible, alienating her H and sons possibly forever.
I did confront my cousin once and in a totally nuetral manner. It was very early on when my W had lied about a trip to NY in which he met her there, instead of the girlfriends she told me about. My cousin insisted he did not know my W had lied to my family about her trip. I actually believe that to be true. We have been close our entire lives. I fully expected him to stop continuing his involvement in this given that he was lied to as well. Subsequently, they carried on together - the trips, lovingly worded emails, hundreds of secret phonecalls, etc. Not once did my cousin ask me how I was doing, nor call or offer to step away from a family in crisis. With that, I have no respect for him as a human being. The fact that he lives hundreds of miles away has saved him from the retribution he deserves, and the fact that I have been a single Dad since this began and I want to be there for my sons through this.
One of you mentioned that my W would flip this against me if I confronted her, and yes that is exactly what has happened in every case, although in reality I have been a great husband and never have or would give her any justification to carry on like this. My W is brutally uncaring about this. Her sons all know what's going on and she doesn't care one bit, at least on the surface. BTW, my W's childhood trauma was such that she was never able to trust me throughout our 24 yr M although I never strayed no matter how tough things got. I fully trusted her and respected her; and she never was able to give me the same. The sad irony is that she can't trust yet is in at the very least an emotional affair.
I actually would feel better if I knew for sure if there was an affair. I would welcome the truth. I feel like I have a lot of evidence but no real smoking gun. That's why I question my senses in this. I can handle the truth.
Since I have learned the DB'ing techniques and put them into practice I feel much better than the complete and total wreck I was initially. I'm not sure if my efforts at BD'ing have had any effect. Maybe she would have been long gone if I hadn't been doing the DB'ing?
I have totally backed off from all pursuing, questioning, etc. I am continuing the DB'ing but I am not really sure if it only gives her the chance to play around while I attemp to solely provide an atmosphere for reconciliation. Tha's why I feel so embarissingly chumplike.
BTW, if there has been a PA, I do not want to reconcile. If only an EA I could attempt to reconcile. That's where I draw the line and I'm not sure if that's the wrong place to draw it, but it feels right for me. I given her every chance to tell me the truth and have told her if she wants out, or if there has been a PA, then tell me and we will split up and split everything 50/50, no lawyers, just mediate. She sticks to her story nonetheless and maybe she has ulterior motives, I don't know.
Accuray - it seems like you are reconciling from some sort of affair. How the hell did you do it, survive it? You must be one strong person. Has anyone personnally seen the BD'ing techniques work? Seen a couple come back from separation and/or affairs to a stronger marriage? Can this set of Jedi mind tricks really work? And, I do know that techniques are to make me stronger too so I don't discount them despite the Star Wars reference.
I find myself getting less desperate every day, less needy, but the horror of this sitch is constant background noise and mostly foreground too.
