Well, she totally avoided me yesterday. She got home from work earlier than expected. I didn't even know she came home 'cause I was in the hammock on the porch resting my eyelids (still under the weather). She went back out and didn't get home till after I was in bed.
Any explainations?
I mean we're done, divorced; what's the big deal?
(Incidentally, I stayed home with the kids yesterday evening; didn't make it to the chapel.)
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Pickle why would you want to go on the Louisiana trip?
For the kids?
Can you go and not be uncomfortable?
Do you think others will be?
I don't want to go. The kids don't need me there. I believe we would both be uncomfortable there. So I'm not going.
After yesterday, where she avoided me on our anniversary, she obviously still has issues.
I know what she originally planned - that we'd end up being "friendly" roommates and parenting until whenever - and I would find my own OP, and the four of us would all get along swimmingly.
But it hasn't turned out that way. She knows I disapprove of her carrying on and the D which she forced down my throat. She probably believes that deep down I resent and judge her (and sometimes it feels like I do) But I recognize that those are just emotions. So she cannot possibly be comfortable.
She's still messed up IMO, but masks it fairly well. We're civil in the house and around the kids. But I'm a free man now. I can do whatever the hell I want. She can take the kids to Louisiana, while I enjoy some Pickle time.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Vet's if any of you have time, below is a link to my very first thread. I am only interested in your opinion of Robx's posts. Because there are days when I wonder if I should have taken his advice.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Aren't you divorced? Are you still trying to get back together with your W?
IMHO, I've seen people succeed with what robx suggested and some not. It depends on what you did that was different that worked on your W.
In terms of your sitch, you really haven't give her any time to actually BE single. Maybe you need to move on and stop rescuing her. Only then can she see what she's missing.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Aren't you divorced? Are you still trying to get back together with your W?
IMHO, I've seen people succeed with what robx suggested and some not. It depends on what you did that was different that worked on your W.
In terms of your sitch, you really haven't give her any time to actually BE single. Maybe you need to move on and stop rescuing her. Only then can she see what she's missing.
Yes, I am divorced.
No, I am not trying to get back together with XW.
Nothing worked during the sitch. I mean nothing. XW got a L and filed. Just look at the time line in my signature.
I was as Robx said "melty man."
I just wondered if I had been more hard line whether or not she would have had second thoughts if her "plans" were really worth the sacrifices. IDK. I tried not to be an AH and tried to protect my S12. Perhaps she would have filed no matter what.
The agreement now is she moves out when D17 graduates in May.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
"Nothing worked during the sitch. I mean nothing."
"I just wondered if I had been more hard line whether or not she would have had second thoughts if her "plans" were really worth the sacrifices."
See so you really didn't try "everything".
"I tried not to be an AH and tried to protect my S12."
Nothing wrong with that. In fact, you treated your W with respect and it was a helluva example for your son. You should be proud.
"Perhaps she would have filed no matter what."
Yep. Sometimes the WAS just feels the need to do this. Nothing wrong with your approach. No one can ever control another person's actions. You can influence them, but not control.
I was as Robx said "melty man."
Don't ever think that. There were a a number of people who I saw follow Rob's and other's advice to take the hardline and in the end, what I saw were a bunch of men and women who ended up hating their spouses. They never dealt with the issues and tried to understand the spouse. Instead they said, "well if you don't want me, then f@ck you then". Alot of bitter people there.
But no matter what, it does come down to choices. Yours and your wife's.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Oh BTW, if you're not planning to get back together with your XW, then maybe you want to change the line about "Still M in the church" in your sig line. That's why I thought you were still pursuing.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"I just wondered if I had been more hard line whether or not she would have had second thoughts if her "plans" were really worth the sacrifices. IDK. I tried not to be an AH and tried to protect my S12. Perhaps she would have filed no matter what."
I understand this. Fact is, we can "what if" and "woulda/coulda/shoulda" until we drop dead and it changes nothing.
Sometimes I'm glad I did not take a hard line with my W. Other times I wonder if I simply looked more weak and pathetic by not doing so.
All we can do is learn from this and apply what we have learned to our life and our relationships.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
IaP - I don't think there's too much point in second guessing what you did or didn't do. You can learn from it, and maybe that's what you're trying to do. If you just end up beating yourself up over it, it's probably not going to do anyone any good. Do what you need to do to grow from this and become better.
I feel for you, man. I don't know how you're doing it - living under the same roof with your XW.
