I talked to his ex wife and his past behavior was pretty much the same. If I knew this before hand, I would have never married him.
you know it all NOW....
so your actions from now on, are yours to own. You do not have to be a victim
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well I found out last night thru a mutal friend of mine and my H that my H still wants a divorce. He said that would be the only way we both could start over with each other. We get the divorce, then we can date each other and take things slow and go from there. This does not makes sense to me. Is it that he doesnt want a commitment or is it then he figures if we are not married but dating that he would not have bounderies?
Does anyone have a clue?
I've seen this before. My h said once "if we do divorce I'll just come back and win you over."
He doesn't really recall that. But I KNOW he said it.
Your opinion that he'll never feel regret may be true. But fwiw, those who do reconcile DO feel regret for hurting their spouses/kids.
My h had apologized for "making a huge mistake" and I accepted it. Then about a year later into piecing, we went to Retrovaille. He broke down on the last day and cried hard (NOT something he does)
about the damage to the R"s he had done. We were supposed to use metaphors and analogies and he Said he felt like he had "crashed the family car and everyone was on life support and he wasn't sure if anyone would survive"...
He got it.
If a WAS doesn't get it (not saying "fully" b/c how can they FULLY get it? They are not in our minds/hearts and don't recall things the same anyhow)
but if NO apology was forthcoming, then how would an LBSer feel safe in taking them back? What would make anything different? You both have to change for a restored marriage, and the change begins, right or wrong, with the person posting HERE, the LBSer
but...sadly, your h has a long time pattern of lying and deceit and no remorse, so his behavior continued.
You could say there were no consequwnces but there were, they were the negative kind the kind I used to use on my h. Instead of DOING something for real, I'd give him the cold shoulder b/c he did "not deserve" a warm loving wife...and that pushed him away more. Brilliantly, I kept doing this even though it did not work, b/c I was "right"....
IOW you were cold and hostile to him b/c you didn't trust him (Which WE understand)
but to HIM, you were a reason for his straying even more.
He won't look at who did what first, never mind that! He'll justify the first lies- and getting caught led to you not trusting and snooping and- THAT to him justified his straying , again. He's got a great circle of illogic going for him.
I'd be the best woman you can be, a woman only a fool would leave.
I'd act on the assumption he's gone, but that the man you are losing is a man who cannot be trusted.
And someday if that is disproved, you'll be open to it, but meanwhile you are moving on.
Moving on does NOT = giving up. It means you swim to the other shore without constantly looking over your shoulder to ask "why" he did this or that, and then merely treading water or going under....no, stop looking at HIM or his work (or his undone work)...
You have to get to the other side FIRST and then assess where you are. meaning, work on YOU and what you want to change in YOU not for him...
for you. So it does not matter if he sees the changes. Who cares? They are not for him!
It's his loss, not yours.
You are losing exactly what?
*A man who lied and cheated on a pregnant wife * to whom he wasn't even married for a year. *And he kept it up afterwards... *And it all began before you.
What's he losing?
He's losing the mother of his child, and a lot of access to that child. But he's also losing the woman you're becoming, a happy fulfilled woman who would not dream of snooping b/c the MAN she chooses next, would not need that ever to happen-
and a woman who is smart, fun loving & funny, who loves well & laughs often, who plans for HER future and her child's, a woman who lacks the time or energy for fuming about a man who acts like a dishonest 15 y/o... he's losing
a woman who faces betrayal with a calm dignity,
a woman who will have no regrets when this is over,
for she first protected her child, then herself, and
moved forward with her hardwon lessons learned.
He's losing a happy contented woman who is in charge of her own happiness and is taking charge of it.
That's you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25, thank you so much for the advice. You are absolutely right about everything. Tonight at dinner, I started crying over him and asking why this, why that. Then I pulled myself together and said he is the one losing here, not me. He is losing someone who loves him very much and cares for him. What am I losing? Well, nothing really. I am trying to move on with my life everyday, but as you know, it's hard.
25, I have read some other posts on here from you, all great advice. So let me ask you something. Word got back to me the other that my H still wants a divorce, but after the divorce we can start over with a "clean slate". That doesn't make sense to me. I feel like if I agree to this, he is playing me. I really don't know what to do or say when he finally approaches me with this offer. Any advice? I love him very much but I am so confused on what to do. All my friends tell me that when he approaches me with this offer, I should tell thanks but no thanks. And let him file the papers. Which I will not help at all. I appreciate any advice you can give me. Thx
Thanks for the compliment. I sort of thought I answered this already.....but let's review.
Originally Posted By: Hopeful321
25, I have read some other posts on here from you, all great advice. So let me ask you something. Word got back to me the other that my H still wants a divorce, but after the divorce we can start over with a "clean slate". But he's said nothing to YOU about this supposed deal? So I don't think it matters at all. I mean it's not really an offer he's making to you as of yet and I'm not sure he will. He may SAY it all now to ease the blow or to make himself feel as if he's risking nothing but I would not believe it at this point. OR I'm missing something.
That doesn't make sense to me. I feel like if I agree to this, he is playing me. "agree" to what? He can get a divorce without you agreeing to it. If you are divorcing, then you need to protect yourself to the best of your ability, and your child, pure and simple.
You can hope for an eventual reconciliation but cannot "expect" it while you are negotiating a divorce. IF THAT"S what he means, and we don't know b/c nothing has been said to YOU
then I'd simply carry on with protecting your child and self, and go from there.
I really don't know what to do or say when he finally approaches me with this offer. Any advice? What OFFER? What is it you think he's going to ask you to do, now, about a chance for something later? I'm confused as to what you are expecting.
What would change NOW if he says "Someday in the future I want to start over?" Are you thinking that he believes you'll want less in THIS divorce?
I don't understand what trade off is being suggested or contemplated....plus until if and when he says something to YOU, none of this even counts as a conversation.
I love him very much but I am so confused on what to do. All my friends tell me that when he approaches me with this offer, I should tell thanks but no thanks. And let him file the papers. Which I will not help at all. I appreciate any advice you can give me. Thx
So HE'S filing WHILE also saying to other people but not to you, "don't worry, I'm just doing it to get a fresh start with her later"???? Is that it? I would not believe it til it happens, and THEN I'd cross that bridge.
Is it possible he wants a clean slate b/c he can't face the pattern of deceit and cheating that he has established? um... Sure. But he'll still have to change that.
Getting a divorce while planning to remarry the ex, isn't a way to solve problems. I don't get it.
And he has not "offered" you anything.
Is it your belief that he's asking you to give something up in this divorce under the guise of "later we'll be together so it's okay to not make me pay child support" Or what??
What "offer" or choice are you expecting? I'm not clear on that.
Also, I know you say you love him. But sometimes LBSers get more upset with wanting to Not feel rejected, than we do with what we're actually losing.
Tell me why you want to be married to this man, IF he does not change...
Tell me of the efforts he's made toward being a better man, and how he's owned his behaviors and is working to change....OR is he?
You had an epiphany the other night. Don't lose it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Feeling a little down today. I really miss my H. I wonder if he is missing me or even thinking of me. He won't talk to me. We haven't talked in over a month. He will send the occassional email/text regarding our daughter. If he truly wants a divorce, why hasnt he filed yet? Why hasnt he deleted our wedding pictures and honeymoon pictures from his Facebook page?
Hang in there hopeful, he's not ready to give up yet, but you need to quit checking, it's going to make you feel worse and want to pursue. Are you talking to a DB coach or an IC?
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I am do have IC. I notice today, every time I receive a text or email from him, my heart starts pounding really fast and goes up to my throat and I get a sick feeling in my stomach that makes me want to throw up.
Will I ever see the light at the end of the tunnel?
I have been really good at not pursing him. I surprised myself. LOL
