Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

Thanks 25.
I have been doing better with my kids, personal life and social life. Everything, except H...

I wish I had better news to report, but we have had a couple of rough weeks since our conversation on 10/4 where I begged and pleaded. I felt so blatantly and categorically rejected that day. I don't think I had ever begged anyone like that. I had never let my guard down so much and put myself on the line like that. (One of my defects is that I am too proud sometimes) And H was so clear about there being absolutely no chance for us. He was so clear about being so happy with OW...

It's been rough because I again masked my hurt in anger and the negative cycle of arguing and blaming each other has come back. We have been fighting constantly for almost two weeks and I have also been rough on myself - going back to that place of not forgiving myself. How could I have been so selfish and blind and in denial to let our R get to the point where H just gave up and walked away, etc...

It's my personal opinion and I don't want to stir any controversy, but in these boards, we all empathize with each other, and we, the left behind spouses can sometimes adopt a victim attitude. I know I have MANY times. How could he do this, when we had just bought a house and I had just got pregnant? How could he just walk away and give up on our R and family like that, etc...

The truth is that in a way, his leaving was what finally forced me to see my mistakes. I felt hurt and betrayed and abandoned and now I want to fix our problems and M and cannot believe he doesn't want to. I am forced to GAL and focus on myself and will most likely eventually move on and end up resigning or being ok with losing him, once I heal. But the reality is that all of this happened to HIM BEFORE he left...

He wanted to fix our problems and I wouldn't see and want to do it. He felt hurt and abandoned. He could not believe I could be so cruel and selfish. Until one day he finally gave up, resigned to lose the R and moved on. So he left me and he started to GAL. And now - he is happy with OW. He has found someone that appreciates him and that he can have a healthy R with - all the things we tell each other in these boards that we will someday achieve once we work on ourselves and heal.


All these thoughts have been in my mind these last two weeks and they take me to that ugly place where I am hard on myself and cannot forgive myself. How could I have messed up so badly, that I just could not see the damage I was doing and now I have lost the most important R in my life...

I have been looking back at these 10 months since H left and at first I could see all his anger towards me. Then I saw him being torn, depressed, isolated... Now, he seems happy, he has truly moved on and he is treating me like just a friendly acquaintance and wants to keep it that way for the sake of our kids. There is no more guilt on his part. He is happy with his life.

When we have argued these past two weeks, he has reminded me how bad he wants the D, yet has not filed. On two occasions he gave me a reason for it. First time - cause he was waiting for me to get back to work (about a month ago). Second time, just last week, cause he is afraid of me. He wants to do it when we are getting along, he wants an amicable D, and he is afraid of my reaction and that I will get vindictive.

I don't know what to believe. Everyone has been pressuring me now for months to file, to protect myself, to take the first step before he gets crazy or stupid and spends the only $ we have left from our 401k. That his financial interests are no longer the same as mine (given that he is spending $ on OW, rather than buckle up, and stop spending for benefit of our family). He says that it will be sad if I give lawyers our children's money...

I don't know if he's trying to give me a guilt trip or not, but I want to believe him when he says he has only our children's best interest in mind and wants to go thru mediation for our D.

I don't want to doubt him and he seems genuinely hurt that I don't trust him re. finances. I know if I hire a lawyer and file for Separation or Divorce, he will not forgive me and things will get ugly. On the other hand, what if I believe him that we can do this amicably thru a mediator and he gets crazy and spends the little we have left on OW or hides it away from me?

I also think that he will never willingly give me the monthly amount that the Lawyer said I am entitled to by law. In CA there is a formula to figure this out and the numbers are high (we have three kids and he makes twice as much as I do). Either H has no clue how much this is
OR,
He knows perfectly well how much it is and that is why he doesn't want to hire lawyers - hoping that I will accept less in mediation? This is the thought I DON"T want to believe, but that everyone claims is real.

It's so hard when everyone gives you their opinion. And most people that talk to me - all except my best friend- think he is GONE forever and that I need to file and get this over with, since he is not doing so.

Everyone just tells me I am enabling him and he is having his cake and eating it too. Everyone tells me to ask myself why he hasn't filed since he is so set on the D...

And so I question if I am doing the right thing for my children or being selfish for not wanting to fight with him re. divorce and finances...

These are also some of the thoughts that have taken me to such an ugly place these past two weeks. We have argued so much, that I think we both feel we were back to zero - to that nasty place we were right before he left. All the goodwill created in months is gone. And as we have discussed before, he justifies in his actions due to my behavior. And I can honestly say, rightly so. He cannot see any permanent changes in me, so why wouldn't he think our R is impossible to fix?

But I am finally getting out of this funk. I got up and started again, working on being friendly detached with H. No arguments in the last 4 days and we even have agreed to a visitation schedule. That is huge. We will see how that goes...
I am no longer angry when I see him and I have started seeing a new Counselor - someone who specializes in anger management.

We are also now dealing with the financial logistics of our short-sale and the repercussions of our credit taking a hit and our eventual divorce. H suggested I opened my own bank account and applied for my own credit card (ouch). Did that yesterday.

So the realities of my new life are here and I don't know if I should stay still or make a move at this point. I feel like limbo has been detrimental to me and good for H. Like I said, he definitely looks happy and in a better place and I am the one who has regressed in the last few weeks...

The only thing I know for sure, is that I am not ready to file for anything today. I will research the mediation process, because I know nothing about it.

I have looked into legal separation, but would need to actually hire a L and pay a retainer to do so. To do that, I would need to be ready to let go of our 401k money, since that is all that is left, and also prepare for ugly situation with H.