Dropping in to bring loads of well-wishes and stirring words! I've been wondering what you've been up to.
In regard to your W being downright EVIL toward you, blaming everybody else but herself for her problems, spinning lie after lie....I HEAR you on this one, brother. This is the exact same place I'm in. My advice? Don't take it personally. There's a great song by Gnarls Barkley called "Would-Be Killer" that has a striking lyric: "Hurt people hurt people." Our W's would have no reason to hurt us the way that they do unless they are hurting themselves deep down inside. They hurt us in the hopes that their own hurt will disappear, but hopefully they will find that it only makes the hurt far worse.
I find that it helps to think of my W as not being my W currently but "somebody else." We wouldn't have married them if we thought that this is who they really were. I have read many stories of WAS' "waking up," looking back, and wondering just who that awful person was that they became. With God's help, our W's will do the same one day.
It's all too evident by looking at the behavior of your W -- the erratic and unpredictable nature of it -- that the best thing for you to do is to let her go and figure it out on her own. WAWs like ours are merely pinballs in a machine. All you can do is let them roll and bounce like mad until they come to a stop on their own. If you try and get in their way, they will flatten you.
I think that your choice to "check and see" if your W really meant to D you was a mistake. (Don't worry -- I did it, too.) All you did was reinforce in your W's mind that you're still waiting around -- saying to her, in essence, "You still have power over me and what I do." If she really wants to D you, she will. If she doesn't, she will let you know somehow. Don't pursue -- let her chase YOU! Reverse the dynamic or else you'll always be chasing HER away from YOU.
Don't be too down on yourself for the James 1:17 sort of guilt-tripping your W is putting on you. My W has been doing the exact same thing to me, blaming me for all of the problems in our M and informing me that she was a gift to me that I took for granted... If we really took our W's for granted, wouldn't we have given up already? Not a chance! We're both still here striving and thriving, aren't we? (Also, there's a chance that your W originally sent that message with a nicer message in mind, then got mad at you and switched it around. Don't expect the truth from WASs. There's a reason that we're not supposed to believe any of what we hear.)
As for the D, I wouldn't necessarily call it the end. A D is just a matter of the law when you get right down to it. People's hearts and desires are far more complex than the law. Give it time, friend. Perhaps this may result in the end of your M. Then again, it might just mark the start of a new one, too...
