NEED ADVICE

[workinghardguy]

Thanks Gunny... it's confusing. W seems so set on her path that by June we will be separated or divorced. Going to talk to a L soon to see my options, just so I'm informed. At the same time she shows great confusion too.

I'm more and more convinced that we'll have to at least separate before or if we can ever recon. Maybe I'm wrong on that, I'm hoping I am.

Unfortunately because of the kids and the blended family it would make no sense for me to stay and make my W, SS, SD, and S move. The hardest part right now in my head is figuring out how to get my S to understand, should it come to pass, that I didn't leave him or move out on him by choice.

And it's really only that last part that gets me... I'm doing ok with the rest... being apart, being alone, even a few less days a week with the kids (we both want 50/50 if it comes to that with shared time as well)... it's just trying to get the five-year old to grasp that daddy didn't walk out him that gets me in the heart every time.

[gunny]

Wanted to relate something from yesterday. Came home from the gym and met my next door neighbor who is aware of my sitch and asked if my w had left for ohio yet. I told her not until friday, she has been very supportive of me, knows my wife and likes her. She has been divorced 4 years from a very abusive relationship and is just now starting to come out of her fog/funk. She was telling me about how when her parents divorced after 25 years of marriage, they could not stand each other, the d was very acrimonious, deadly enemies, etc,

They did not speak for 20 years, but both remained in the same area geographically. They both remarried, and both of their spouses had passed away from cancer. Turns out they met again at a family funtion reconciled, and became best friend. Never remarried, but her father took care of her mother in her last declining years when she began suffering from dementia. I thought this was an inspiring and hopeful story, really picked me up for the evening. Just wanted to share!

[gunny]

hey workinghard,
Sorry you are going through this.I agree with your thoughts on the s. Although in some ways it has been good having my w around for the last 4 months, overall, it would have been better for us if we had seperated soon after she dropped the bomb.

I say this because it would have helped me with my dbing, in that she would not have been around every day to see me when I was not at my best, and lets face it, noone can put on a happy face 24 hrs a day every day for 4 months. If we were sep, I would have been able to pick and choose the times I saw her, and been much more in control of the situation.

But, because of finances, we decided to stay together, reasoning that if we did eventually d, it would not be good for either one of us to start off with dimminished savings.

In your case, having kids changes the whole equation, Have no experience there , but I do feel for you. Keep hanging in, you still have time, anything can happen over the next few months.
Gunny

[gunny]

Venting/Journaling,
My s and I built a beautiful, comfortable life together over 13 years. We did not want for anything. We had no debt, good savings, and could have done pretty much anything we wanted. I was semi-retired, having retired from the Marines in 04, we both worked 3 days a week at good jobs with incredible flexibility. I think, and have been told, that most people would have loved to have been as blessed as we were. We were getting ready, in 8 years, to retire and travel/camp around the country.

We had a beautiful cabin in the mountains, where we used to go every month to go hiking, biking, etc. We had a great life.

After 11 years of marriage, we still liked each other, I was/am in love with her, i found out recently she loves me, but of course, is not in love with me, she fell out of love apparently some time ago. My IC, and others who I know who have been married for decades, have told me that this in itself is not uncommon at some point in a marriage, and usually, if both partners are willing to work at it, the m can be repaired, sometimes even strengthened. Unfortunatel, while I am completely motivated to make whatever dhanges are necessary, s is done.

I read this to my IC yesterday, since she has encouraged me to journal, this is what I wrote:

I liked her
I was honest
I was kind
I was compassionate
I respected her
I love her
I was dependable
I was stable
I never laid a hand on her
I was not abusive
I was responsible
I was trustworthy
I never cheated on her
I tried hard not to lie
I was considerate
I was thoughtful
I provided for her and her for me
I did not have an addiction problem
I stood by her
I comforted her
I was with her through sickness and health
I cared for her
Sometimes, I had anger problems, I would yell in short swift outbursts and then get over it,
Once in a long while i would hit and object
I had major problems in showing my affection, put up a wall around myself, product of a very very dysfunctional family
Sometimes she was not my only priority, my family sometimes ranked up there.
Sometimes, perhaps more than I would like to admit, I would not listen to her
Many times I was not emotionally available to her
Sometimes I took her, and the marriage for granted.

I am still in shock, I ask myself, how can this be ending the way it is, with her leaving me on friday?

Just venting. I often read on here where other posters encourage you to vent. I am doing my fair share here, thanks everyone for listening, could sure use some encouragement, thanks everyone!

[2thepoint]

Hey Gunny - I feel for you and your situation and share many of the same feelings. In your journaling you lay out a pretty comprehensive list of things you did, provided, didn't do etc.

What I am discovering is that while we think we are doing all the right things, our spouses often interpret things differently.

You say for example that you comforted her; but did you comfort her when she needed it most? You said that sometimes she was not your only priority. That's fine, but when it mattered to her, was she your priority? When you didn't listen to her, was it at a time when she really needed you to listen?

I'm not passing judgment, because I could say almost the exact same things about my self. I think that in successful marriages communication is so critical. And how we interpret communication is just as important. My W and I communicated but often not about the right things and when it was about the right things, were either of us really listening? I could say I heard my W, but did I really HEAR her?

Just some food for thought. Hang in there!

[Rick1963]

Gunny that is a pretty good list.I have done some of the same, the yelling, getting angry and I threw a phone at the wall in June. 1st time I ever did that. But like you (not jutifyng getting angry) we have more positives than negatives. At least we are putting it out there looking at it and trying to fix it. Hard stuff I know. But we will be better people for it. I too took the M for granted but so did my W. Sometimes I felt that I was not a part of the family. W and D will talk and do things and I felt left out so I built resenment. I know your W had a part in here and all is not one persons fault. I bet she will miss you before you know it. On Friday be strong, confident. Women like strong confident man. It will not be the end of the world. Chances are that she will realize that the grass is not greener on the other side. My friend went though a breakup several years ago. I told her about my stich and she said that she has stopped dating man because all they are looking for is a mommy to cook, clean and do their laundry. So there is hope. Hang in there buddy.

[gunny]

hello 2the point,
Thank you for coming on board. Your points are well taken. There is no doubt she interpreted things differently, to her credit, thoughout my sitch she has taken great pains to tell me exactly where I screwed up, to the point that if I had more time, I think I could correct most if not all my shortcomings, because they are legitimate points, and its time that I made the changes.

I have just started to read your sitch, sounds pretty similar to mine. Sorry you are going through this also, Also got the 5 LL on audio, listened to it on the way back from florida in august, had me shaking my head saying that it is all so basic that if we knw about this before our sitch, we would not be in this predicament. Oh well, hindsight is 2020. Thanks again for your input, and please keep me posted on your sitch.

[gunny]

as always rick, thanks for the words of encouragement. How is your day going? Any flying action this weekend?

[any chance?]

Gunny:
Have some faith in yourself. Be strong and stay on course. Keep the road home paved and smooth. It ain't over Friday, far, far from it.

I don't know where my sitch is going, but in my dark days it is all negative. I need to quit doing that. One thing I have recognized is that these situations take a long, long time to work themselves out, for better or for worse. Your W is going to spend the next couple of months in euphoria that she is strong and independent and did this move for herself. This is exactly where my W is at this point. After that, only time will tell.

Been reading lots of literature over the past months. One book I turn to had stories of couples who seperated for a year, or three years, and ended up reconciling. Give her time and space, but keep gently and kindly in touch. Be the man she always wanted. Be strong, be confident. She will notice. And then you will see. Only then. And that is a way off down the road. Dig in for the long haul. Ain't over till its over.

[workinghardguy]

Gunny, I echo Any's comments... just because she's gone doesn't mean it's over. It's over when you decide it's over and you no longer want to wait for her.

This past weekend when my W dropped the "by the end of June I want to be apart" mini-bomb she cited one of the reasons being she wanted to be done with "all of this" (meaning the stress and me working on our M while she isn't). I said nothing, but in my head thought... sweetie, it ain't over in June. This isn't over until I say it's over. Even if we're apart I will keep on DBing until I decide that I've done all I can and don't want to anymore.

Thinking and realizing that gave me some power back. It is what allowed me to keep my mouth shut and just validate her feelings and not fight about it.

Now I know that in my sitch we have children that will force us to engage almost daily in some fashion if we end up apart. But still, there will be times when she re-enters your life for a question, an issue, property issues, etc... That will be your chance for her to see the changes and if it's meant to be it will.