I am so sorry you are here. With that being said, I am not going to sugar coat anything. I think it is important to know my background before reading my responses to you.
I was married for over 13 year (together almost 16). She left me for another man (didn't know at the time). We got divorced very quickly. I am an entirely different person now and love life. I have dated but am also happy being by myself right now. I am all about people saving their relationships, but not at the expense of their happiness or sanity.
Michelle's book give the best advice, and chance, for someone to save their relationship. But it 100% saves YOU and gives you the best chance to get through anything and come out a better person.
Originally Posted By: Lydia
When we "started over" 3 weeks ago, he said he didn't have feelings for me but he would give it a chance. I said, "I can't make you love me" and he said, "How do you know?" and said he has had feelings for me off and on over the years, but before they can develop, I do something to make him mad, and they go away.
Umm..if I started having feelings for someone, and they made me mad, I would just be mad. The feelings wouldn't go away. It sounds like he is making an excuse there.
Originally Posted By: Lydia
He said he could see us in a long-term relationship after all, and can identify us as a "couple" rather than simply in a "co-parenting" relationship. He said he thought he could give affection and even have sex at some point.
Why is it such a big deal to be a couple? What is his reasons for not having sex? Is it depression or medication maybe?
Originally Posted By: Lydia
He HAS been committed to me for these years,even though it hasn't been a legal marriage.
I get sad and think about how I want to be with someone who LOVES me, but there are many good things about this relationship I am in now with this good man, and if I left it to start a relationship with a new man, there is no guarantee that he would love me forever.
There is no guarentee THIS man will love you forever...You need to think about YOU. You need to be happy with things. I will tell you this...You may think you will never find another "love" like this again, but I promise you, you CAN find an even stronger love.
Originally Posted By: Lydia
How important is it to me for a man to love me if he is doing so many other good things?
Only you can answer that question. Can you be in a loveless relationship and be happy? Can you live with your friend and try to force intimacy? Will that make you happy tomorrow? Next year? 10 years from now??? You need to ask yourself these questions.
Originally Posted By: Lydia
And really, he DOES "care about" me. He has never been "in love" or in a really meaningful relationship. He has had a couple of "crushes" on women who were not available. His longest "relationship" was 4 months and he has always run away from women who wanted to "get serious". He has only started relationships with women he would not consider marrying. This relationship we are in is probably the most meaningful and long lasting that he'll ever have.
Many women would not tolerate being in a relationship with a man who "can't love". I wouldn't if not for the child. I hate thinking that we're only together because of the child, but is that really a bad thing?
Again, only you can answer this. Is this something you can live with for the rest of your life? Is this what you want you child to grow up thinking is a "normal" relationship?
Originally Posted By: Lydia
Now that he has acknowledged that we are "a couple" and are "long term", it has given me a sense of security.
Why does a title give you security? Has his actions and behaviors SHOWN that the title is real? Are you just looking for words without action?
Originally Posted By: Lydia
I'm still going to do the last resort and see what happens. He has got to have some kind of feelings for me, if only I can bring them out. They were there before. It is not like he never found me attractive, enjoyed my company, or had "feelings".
I will say this. Loving someone is a choice. It is your choice to love him and his choice to love you. But there is so much more then just the words. You want to see actions. You want to FEEL loved. You want to see it in his eyes. You want to hear it in the way he speaks to you. You want to feel it in his touch. This is what all of us are looking for in either our spouses, or someone else for those of us who couldn't save our marriages.
So, since you are needing help with your electric bill, I take it you do not live together right now. Is he willing to help you?
I am adding you to my prayer list. BTW..we are neighbors. I live in Huntsville AL!
Yes, I think it is kind of silly for him to say that about his feelings going away when I make him mad. I know I may have anger or hurt that might float to the top and push the 'loving' feelings down, but they NEVER go away. Feelings most certainly can lie dormant when relationships aren't nurtured. So many times I have felt the love grow cold, but something always blows off the ashes and the embers start blazing again.
For him to acknowledge that we are "a couple" and that he sees me in a "long term relationship" with him and to know that he hasn't been with anyone else for all this time gives me a sense of security because it tells me that he is committed to me and has no plans to be with anyone else. It makes me feel like we really have a chance to make things better, since I'm not just in this relationship till something better comes along for him.
I am the one who has held off having sex for so long. I have wanted affection, though. I really believe sex belongs within the marriage relationship. When I have insisted that he marry me to get sex, he has chosen to be celibate. I am a Christian and beyond that, I believe sex is something precious and shouldn't be handed out freely. The only reason I ended up having sex outside of marriage is because I totally lost my head after my ex-husband found a new wife and I was lonely and desperate and vulnerable. I was looking for attention and affection and I found that I could get it if I would give sex (It was a shock to me that men wanted to get physical on the first date!). I thank God that I did not have sex with several men. Now I am thinking that sex with this particular man, even though we are not legally married, may be a good thing for our family. He says that he is afraid I'll get pregnant again. I am not sure what he is afraid of...if he'll feel more pressured to marry me if he has another child out-of-wedlock, or if he is afraid of birth defects because of our ages.
Yes, only I can answer these hard questions. I want to try Michele's tactics and see what improvements I can see in our situation. I certainly don't WANT to be in a loveless and unsatisfying relationship for the rest of my life. I want a new relationship with the "old" man.
I'm pretty scared about relationships since I thought I'd grow old with my ex-husband and that didn't happen. I think this current man treats me so much better than my ex-H. He may never say, "I love you" but he also doesn't tell me he hates me and otherwise abuse me verbally, like my ex-H did.
I don't know what kind of example I'm setting for my kids. I felt like I really screwed things up getting pregnant with this guy, but now I'm trying to make the best of a bad situation. I think our lives will be less complicated and more stable if we don't bring in outsiders.
You are so right. I miss so much him calling me just because he was thinking of me. I miss him smiling at me and "lighting up" when he'd see me and he'd kiss me and tell me I looked pretty. I miss him pulling me close to him. I miss him spending so much quality time with me. He used to take me on the nicest dates and would go for walks with me and we'd hang out at his house and watch movies and cook together. He DID make me feel loved. I could see it and feel it and hear it in his voice. I was content. If he never made me feel more loved than he did in those first 7 1/2 months (which weren't without bumps in the road, by the way), I know I could be content for the rest of my life. But he doesn't make me feel loved at all now. I feel like we're friends.
We have never lived together and I don't think we will until my 2 older kids are out of the house (6 more years). He does help me financially some (beyond child support), but I try really hard not to ask him for help. I already asked for help this month with car expenses (inspection, registration, oil change adding up to about $115 total)
Thanks for the prayers. I want so much to know what God wants me to do. I know, though, that he'll work things out in his time. I need to be patient.
Sorry about your wife. I guess that happens a lot. I wanted to stay in my marriage with my ex-H, even though it was at the expense of my happiness AND sanity. I want to stay in this relationship with this man, and I really think I can be happy AND sane within it if some things change. If things don't change significantly, I'll have to make some hard decisions, but at this point, I am hoping for a miracle and I'm focusing on positive changes in my life as well as in my relationship.
Well Lydia...we are here for you. Keep posting updates. If feel as if you need to do/say something but aren't quite sure if you should, run it by us first. You will, at times, get conflicting advice here but that is because, I believe, we base our advice from our situation. But we all just want to help.
Things are okay. I guess I'm a little over a week into my 180/LRT and I think I'm being pretty consistent. I did give a hug after my daughter's birthday, but no "I love you". I have tried to be pleasant company, but short on words.
I need to expect good things to happen, but I have "backed off" for months at at time before, but nothing changed on his end that I could tell.
I felt a little discouraged today...I know we had feelings for each other before and we can have then again. I am so very glad that we get along well. We had dinner as a family Friday night, had lunch/birthday party with my other kids and brother on Saturday, and we had dinner tonight.
I still am hoping to see something change in his behavior. I think I have good goals. I guess my last, last resort technique is to date other men, but I have a whole lot of work to do mentally before I'll be ready for that. Honestly, I don't think I'll be wanting to date again for many more months, if not a year or more. I hate it so much and I hate the idea of him dating even worse.
I know there are lots of people here in a lot more miserable of a situation than me. I am thankful for what is right between us, but it is pretty unsatisfying, especially when I think of years and years of this.
I guess I'll give this a few more weeks and then ask for advice for what to do next, unless someone has advice before then.
I just want things to be like they were when I felt like he loved me "enough".
I am so sorry for this stitch you find yourself in, but you are trying to make this man fall in love with you and M you. That is about as pursuing as a person can get. If the man realizes he doesn't feel those type of emotions for you, then don't settle. You will spend the rest of your life wanting to feel like he loved you "enough".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, I'm really between a rock and a hard place. If it wasn't for this child we share, I would have had no problem moving on to a relationship with someone who might actually be able to give me more of what I want.
He and I both have issues, but it seems like we could both "settle".
Yes, I do see myself spending the rest of my life wanting to feel like he loves me "enough". It is so sad to see that as my future and I keep thinking that if my daughter had her say, she wouldn't want me to make that sacrifice because of her.
I have a plan and if there isn't some change, I really think I'll have to move on, though it will be really hard. Hopefully my therapist will help me get through it.
This horse I'm beating isn't quite dead yet...but I think it is in a coma, LOL.
I just want things to be like they were when I felt like he loved me "enough".
I am so sorry for this stitch you find yourself in, but you are trying to make this man fall in love with you and M you. That is about as pursuing as a person can get.
Isn't Divorce Busting all about trying to make someone fall (back) in love and start a new relationship? Maybe I'm reading this all wrong, but Michele encourages us to expect miracles and that is what I'm going to do as I try to follow her other advice.
I don't want to focus too much on what I'll do if Michele's techniques don't work, because I am wanting to expect success, not failure or "more of the same".
