Trying to make it to the bye week

[MadeToSucceed]

Today has been tough. Mediation is tomorrow. It's weighing on me heavily. Part of me just wants to give up on standing for my M. I know mediation isn't the end all be all and maybe the subsequent D isn't either but I'm just TIRED. She makes it so hard to press on because she can be soooooo evil. She's even grown to now call ME, of all people, "King Manipulator." I just have a tough time knowing that the woman I married is not that same woman right now and may never be. There's a HUGE part of me that wants to just move on.

I've struggle some in my prayers the past few days but I know that's what the enemy wants. I continue to pray for my W but I must also protect myself. I will not allow my name to be slandered nor will I allow her to lie both on me and her actions. She will be upset...extremely upset...tomorrow when she sees proof in black and white in front of her during mediation. Her father will be there so I'm curious as to his reaction as well. At the end of the day her actions are her actions and they do have consequences. I've prepared myself for mediation and for D and the reality of it because nothing else seems even close to possible.

Somewhere in my heart, among all her conflicted words, I still believe she will try to come back at some point and THAT is what I can honestly say I'm not ready for. I don't know if it's "right" or not but I'm getting to the point where I'm just ready for it to be over. I'm ready to no longer feel like I'm shouldering the burden in a relationship that is completely one sided where the other party has completely checked out. Not only checked out but moved on...to multiple people.

Tonight I have class and I'm probably going to go see the late showing of Courageous right afterwards. I feel like I need some inspiration heading into tomorrow. It's a great opportunity for me to grow and show the growth I've already experienced but I know it will be tough.

Calling all DBers. I need your thoughts, words, prayers, 2x4s...whatever you've got for me. 25, jb, west, CS, Telemark...nobody ever found Starsky for me either...lol.

Seriously, I value you all so much and the past 6 days have probably been more emotionally taxing for me than the past 2 months. Just looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not concerned about getting to it. I just want to see it because I feel like all hope is lost for my M and that is a TOUGH pill to swallow if it is in fact true.