So, it's been four and a half years or so since I received the bomb...
Ok, almost 14 if you go all the way back to the first crisis...but who is counting...
Actually, I had to think about it because it is so not a part of my life anymore, but still such a part of my life, my changes, and how my future is being directed...
If you had asked me then, where I thought I would be now...crap, if you had asked me three years ago where I thought I would be now, I would not have answered anywhere close to where I am...
This is a tough week for me. Tough, because of changes that I am facing, tough because I am remembering, I am packing, I am moving on, I am happy and I am sad. Hell, I'm blond, it should be expected...lol...
This journey, my journey, is far from over. And I look forward, with hope, optimism, joy, and excitement.
I also look back, on where I came from. With sadness, not regret, and a quiet fondness...
I refuse to let MLC rob me of what I know was good in our life.
I also am grateful that it allowed me to be honest enough to face what was bad in our life...and to do something about it...
I am leaving my home. The home, that wasn't my dream home in many ways, except the one that counted. It is the home that my son has spent all but 8 months of his life in (unlike me and his father, who moved a lot).
He still gets to remain here. With his father. As unconventional as it may have seemed to most, even after we were both done and moved on with other people, we choose to remain in the house, our son's home, to give him that stability that we both wanted for him...
In the four + years since the bomb, things have been silent here, things have been ugly, things have been tense. Eventually, those things calmed. I have watched my MLCer go through ups and downs. Highs and lows. I have watched him fight to not self destruct. I have listened to him lie to me, lie to our son, lie to himself. I have watched him be more absent that I could ever imagine and I watched him break, which I expected to be his rock bottom. At that point is when I finally let go. It wasn't his rock bottom, but it was my salvation.
My salvation, when I finally took charge of my life and left him to make of his, whatever he chose to make of it. I got happier. I grew. I battled my own demons. Eventually, I met someone, who enhances my life in ways that I never really thought was possible.
Earlier this spring, I really did watch my MLCer hit rock bottom. And I have watched him fight his way out. It has been hard for both of us. He isn't fully there yet, but he is making strides. He is trying to be a good father (he is a good father), he is trying to be a good person. He is trying to grow up. Finally. Is he there yet? I don't know.
I know that he has surprised me in ways that I never expected. He is my friend. I know that sounds wierd to many of you. Especially those that are new to this. He is someone that I have loved since I was 17. Nothing can change that fact. Not time, not MLC, not abuse, not divorce. Nothing can take that away from me.
So where am I now?
I am packing, to leave here at the end of the week. Me and my puppy (who isn't a puppy anymore). To travel a very long distance, a trip I have made many times over recent years. To truly begin my life, a life that is so filled with possibilities. A life that has been filled with laughter and smiles and love, for a long time now. A life that I am grateful every day for. I am happy and excited and looking forward to the next phase...to growing old, and experiencing peace, joy, and more and more new things...
Through all of this, I have learned gratitude. I have learned patience (a lesson that I don't think is done yet). I have learned that I am capable of giving love and receiving love. I have learned that change, although scary, can be wonderful in ways that I never imagined. I have learned that I am strong and capable. I have learned, that life and relationships, are constant work. I have learned that the work is worth it.
This journey, is something that I would never trade. It has forever changed me. To anyone who doubts, whether you reconcile or not, it really is worth it.
Many have posted lately, to do the work on yourself...
I have to echo that...
Who knows where you will end up, possibly reconciled, possibly in a new relationship, possibly single and loving it...you just never know, and that is a very good thing...
And to the friends that I have made here...Brookie, Seeking, PEI, J3B, Mach, Fisherman and the rest of the Bonehead Club, as well as others who I haven't mentioned...
I am eternally grateful for all of you...
I have learned something from each and every one of you, and that is something that I hope continues...
Catch you on the flip side...
And if this is girly and off for me, I took a Xanax...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
My sweet friend, I like to see the girly side from time to time.
I think the thing I am most glad about is that you have come to really accept that you deserve to be happy.
You have put in your time, my friend. You have walked the walk. You have gone above and beyond in your quest to do the right thing.
I am not at all surprised that you and your h are friends. It is who you are.
I know that you have mixed feelings about the next part of your journey. But, remember that you have taught your son well. He is, I know, an amazing young man. I know he wants his mom to be happy.
I know there must be so many things you are feeling right now. But I wish for you a feeling of excitement and peace. I hope that you really and truly believe that you are right where you should be and that this next part of your journey is up to you.
So, feel what you feel and then look forward, but, never stop looking inward. You are an amazing person, Cat, with so much to give.
I am honored to have been allowed to watch you on your journey. I am inspired by how you have handled it and all the work you have done.
I wish you all good things.
I know, without a single doubt, that you will be ok.
I'm good and the well wishes are appreciated, but you know, if you know me at all, that there was an underlying reason for the post...
I have read lately, even when I don't post, I do read to keep up...
People who have reconciled posting about doing the work...
People who haven't reconciled but are single and happy posting about doing the work...
People who have moved on and are happy, post about doing the work...
The common theme, besides all of us being struck by the MLC crud....
Is doing the work...
We have some new posters of late, which always breaks my heart, although I know there will always be new people experiencing this, just like there will always be people before them with different outcomes...
The work, the changes, the GAL, and 180's and whatnot...
are important...
Additionally, each MLC, and each MLC outcome, is different and unique, even though we all do have similarities.
Life doesn't end just because of MLC, even though it may feel like it for a while...
Life doesn't end just because of change, even though we might want it to...
I hate change...
HATE it. I resist change like some people resist root canal...
I bet that surprises many of you.
This whole experience, has helped to open me more to it. I still don't like it, but I have learned how to look beyond the horizon and see what is there...
and how to not be afraid of it...
We each have different lessons to learn from this, different demons to overcome...
Find them...it's part of the journey...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
