One thing that my DB coach told me was that I cannot "own" my W's problems and insecurities. You can focus on yourself, and improve your own relationship skills and knowledge, but you can't take responsibility for H. You can't control it, and trying to "figure him out" right now will just make you nuts. As someone pointed out, he sounds depressed and MLC, and probably doesn't have himself figured out.
The other thing about WAS is that they make you "the bad one" in the relationship, because it makes them feel better about their actions, then they resent you for putting them where they are. If you beg or indicate how unhappy you are, they resent you for giving them power over your happiness. If you complain, lecture, or criticize, they resent you for making them feel badly.
According to everything I've read, you're doing the right thing by giving distance. When WAS pulls away, your best move is to detach and pull away too. While this may not pull them closer, it will prevent them from pulling away even farther -- it's treading water for now.
Then, if you GAL, get yourself straightened out and appear to be happy again, they will start to wonder why and may make some overtures.
I've done a ton of reading and research, and in your situation there are a lot of ways to make things worse, but few guaranteed ways to make things better. It comes down to working on yourself, becoming "ok" with you, no matter what the outcome is. The less you need them, the easier it is for them to come back and them more attractive you are.
The hardest thing is to surrender to what you cannot control, because your rational mind wants to believe that this is a problem that you can solve, if you only demonstrate your love for WAS, if you only explain what a big mistake their making and how badly you want them back, how could they possibly turn their back on that? Unfortunately, as anyone here will tell you, pursuing doesn't work.
It's extremely hard, it's against your instincts, but you do have to detatch and not try to own H's problems right now.
It's brutal! I feel for you and I wish you the best!
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
