Trying to make it to the bye week

[MadeToSucceed]

I woke up last Thursday morning and it was still on my heart heavy to contact her. I called and was very calm and told her I'd like to talk and if she said no, I'd respect her wishes but that I would need to tell her something important before we got off the phone. She indicated it was best we didn't meet. I said ok but then had to proceed and give her some news I found out the night before. I think this is why the knowledge of what I learned she was really doing on Wednesday night didn't phase me. While I was waiting to meet with her I found out that the friends I was staying with for the early part of this ordeal had lost the baby that my friend's W was pregnant with. My W and I spent so much time with them all that they were like family to us and while I've been able to maintain that relationship with them, my W has fractured hers with them with some of her actions towards them. At any rate, I felt it important for my W to know.

I prefaced by saying that what I was about to tell her would be tough to hear but it is the kind of thing that helps me put into perspective what is really important in life. When I told her she completely lost it. There was a time where my friend's W would've called upon my W immediately upon such news. These are the types of life altering events my W is no longer apart of. She sobbed uncontrollably but I could tell it was more than just what I'd told her.

She hung up on me and then 20 minutes later sent me the following text message:

W: My life is over H. Its fallen to pieces and I don't even know where to start to pick them up. I'm sorry for hanging up. I'm a wreck. You are better off. Keep being the God fearing man you are, keep pushing forward and being great. So sorry. Didn't want to just sit and cry on the phone.

I did my best to validate and express my understanding. Even said I'd like to be able to help her through the process but made it clear that ultimately it has to be based on her choices. At this point it was about noon and as I was heading into my counselors office she asked if I could talk. I told her I'd have to call her in a hour and she said that's fine.

I don't know what happened during that hour when I was with my counselor at church but when I called her back the tone had once again changed. It shifted to mediation and her berating me and telling me I'm only after her money. She went on and on about how this is only about me and always has been. She told me "If you truly loved me you would have just kept walking. That's the barrier that is really keeping me from being able to be with you." Another excuse. Had I just walked away she would say I didn't fight for her. I'm fighting for her and our M and now it's I'm all about money and I've drug this thing out to get a bigger pay day. HER L is the one who set the mediation date and it had to be this late to fit her schedule. It was either this or trial and trial is more than a year away on a docket and much more expensive. She said "At some point someone will make it about me. This has always been about you. I will be someone's world because of me and who I am." Proof that this life she is chasing with OM isn't what she expected on some level but she has to make the public believe otherwise. We went back and forth and it got ugly. We both yelled some things and I know I let my anger get the best of me during the conversation.

We texted back and forth that afternoon and I finally asked her what James 1:17 meant when she sent it to me. Her response left me speechless.

W: It means I was a gift for you. You took me for granted...just because you have made changes doesn't mean my heart is there now. I waited so long, for something I wanted that was so simple...all of you, but you couldn't do that. You made me share. So now you expect me to be receptive...I'm not. it hurts. I got tired. I've lost quite a few people I thought were friends and can't ever see myself being around your family again because of everything. I think its best we go our own ways. I won't pretend to have my heart be somewhere it isn't again. I did that already. This isn't healthy for either of us.