Trying to make it to the bye week

[MadeToSucceed]

Last Wednesday I broke the mold. I may get 2x4s for this and some of my other actions in the past 6 days but I don't know...I felt like I had to try one last time.

I called my W last Wednesday morning. I asked her if we could meet and talk. I really didn't know what I wanted to talk about. I haven't seen her in 2 months. We haven't had a real conversation other than our anniversary texts. I just wanted to try to see if this was really "it" for her. I wanted to look her in her eyes and have a real conversation. She agreed to meet with me and asked if we could meet around 8pm that night because she had a meeting she had to attend. I said sure and we agreed we would finalize our plans later in the day.

Admittedly, I was anxious, excited and probably unrealistic in my expectations. I went to Bible Study and prayed on our meeting and it was tough because the topic was Leaving Everything Behind. My pastor posed the rhetorical question: Is there something in your life you haven't left behind or abandoned that God has called you to leave behind or abandon? My mind began racing...was this for me? Is this how my W feels? Too many thoughts and questions for me to burden myself with but I'm human.

Late in the afternoon I called my W to see when and where she wanted to meet. She didn't answer the phone and texted back saying "sorry I'm in a meeting." She then asked if it was ok if we didn't meet right at 8pm. I said sure...just let me know. I'd already cleared my evening schedule...cancelled my massage appointment and decided I wasn't going to go to my evening Bible Study so she and I could meet. Then the uneasy feeling crept in. Something wasn't right.

As I sat in my apt I had to know. I made a call to a friend that knows OM and found out that my W wasn't in a meeting but in fact was with OM in his city and had changed her flight to come back later in the day. In doing so, the flight was delayed and that's essentially why she was asking me if we could meet later in the evening. To make matters worse my W had told someone that she was "in need of a sex break and should be good for about a week now" after her time with OM. I was hurt of course but I didn't dwell on it. I've unfortunately become numb to things about her and OM.

I never mentioned it to my W that evening. She texted me at 9pm to say she just finished her meeting. When I asked if we could meet she'd completely changed and began to say now that she was uncomfortable meeting with me and that she didn't think we had anything to discuss unless I was calling off mediation because "the only reason we're in mediation is because I'm trying to take something from her that I feel entitled to."

I chalked it up for what it was and went to sleep.