JB- I don't think there is anything wrong with finding your coworker attractive. I think it is a good thing actually, it's almost like your heart telling you that you can move on from this.
I agree, I don't think it should be something that is acted upon, but that doesn't mean that some day it might be a possibility.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
tm - you are spot on. The WAS's are broken and need to address their problems as well.
My parents get very upset with me when I tell them that the stbx stops by the house, or we go out to dinner, etc. They don't want me to get back with her the way she is now.
As much as I love her, I wouldn't go back to what we had unless SHE worked on herself first. I guarantee you that she's not doing the work we are all doing.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Thanks as always Telemark for imparting your infinite wisdom.
Originally Posted By: Telemark
But that's the kicker...we have done the serious heart-work to make ourselves better, but our W's have not. Even if they decided to return tomorrow, would we eventually go through this all over again?
Nope. Can't do it. Frankly I would like some more time to continue to improve, but I feel like my W has a ways to go. I DO NOT want to go through this all over again.
Originally Posted By: Telemark
No thanks. I'd rather slide down a 50 foot razor blade into a pool of saltwater than experience this again.
Ouch! That's a tough call, but I think I agree with you. You do have a way of putting things.
Originally Posted By: Telemark
You're absolutely correct about the payoff coming in other areas of our lives. Those payoffs are what we need to focus on now, because they are what is working. If we get a second chance to rebuild a better M, that's a bonus. If not, we will eventually get a new chance with someone who values us for who we are and who we have become.
Exactly. And when people ask me how things are going, I tell them parts of my life are fantastic, other parts not so much. I try to focus on the fantastic parts as much as I can.
JB- I don't think there is anything wrong with finding your coworker attractive. I think it is a good thing actually, it's almost like your heart telling you that you can move on from this.
I agree, I don't think it should be something that is acted upon, but that doesn't mean that some day it might be a possibility.
Thanks, DG. Yes, it does help in a way. Sometimes it can generate a little mild infatuation or even that excitement of something new. But again, I reign myself back in when I really start thinking it through. It would derail my strategy. At this time, it wouldn't make me a better person. It has the chance of hurting someone else. It's not what I want to be involved in right now. It's not the man I am or the man I'm becoming.
To further complicate matters, my W brought this woman up the night of the bomb. i.e. "You'll probably end up with ___" So, she started it!
Right now, IMO we shouldn't even hang out. We shouldn't get the kids together, etc. Not that there's anything developing with that. I don't want to leave anything at all to chance.
As much as I love her, I wouldn't go back to what we had unless SHE worked on herself first. I guarantee you that she's not doing the work we are all doing.
Exactly. I want my W to experience at least some of the growth I've gone through. I think she would just be a happier person. I realize she would have to experience it in her own way, and I'm not sure what that looks like.
It's funny you should post this... just this morning my C was pressing me hard on what I wanted. If I could have anything I wanted, what was it? I started with "I want what we had back." Then I backtracked... no I don't. I want a healthy R. That showers our kids in love, that creates a stable environment for them, that helps my W and myself be better people each day. That gives us room to grow. That's what I want.
And then he pushed on if that can happen, even if my W thaws and comes around and wants to save our R. And I realized, no, it can't. Not the way things are now. Not with how I am and not with how she is. So at some point she will have to grow to have an R with me.
Where my C and I differed is whether it's better for me to remain in the R and work towards that. To be present and provide a reflective source to encourage her towards work and then, ultimately, if she never grows, make my decision then (that's my view). Or leave now and work on me, let her have her wishes, and see if it forces her to face reality (that was his counterview).
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Glad to see you continue to be a role model for the rest of us! I wish I had your PMA, can you bottle some of that up for me? I never did find your pic.
As far as the coworker goes, its ok to be human, right? I hope if things don't go the way I want them to that I can get to a place where that even enters my head!
If I could have anything I wanted, what was it? I started with "I want what we had back." Then I backtracked... no I don't. I want a healthy R. That showers our kids in love, that creates a stable environment for them, that helps my W and myself be better people each day. That gives us room to grow. That's what I want.
And then he pushed on if that can happen, even if my W thaws and comes around and wants to save our R. And I realized, no, it can't. Not the way things are now. Not with how I am and not with how she is. So at some point she will have to grow to have an R with me.
Yes, exactly. I want the good parts we had back, but ultimately I want to build a whole new M.
I can only hope my W will have the desire to make some positive changes. When we went to MC from 2008-2010, I felt I was the one doing all the homework, reading all the R/M books, and making all the changes. At times, I sensed it was more like a trip to the principal's office for my W. In spite of that, I did feel we were in a better place than we had ever been in our M. I attributed her response to the MC as being just part of her personality. She really doesn't read too many books, and the homework's not her thing.
I DO NOT want to return the same situation we were in. If we did, we'd be right back where we are now, but it would be worse.
Thanks, ROMB! Your comments add fuel to my PMA/GAL machine!
As far as the co-worker goes - while I'm comfortable by myself, I really don't want to be alone for the rest of life. I want to share it with someone special. I hope it's my W. I am on guard, though, against things that may thwart my game plan and I definitely don't want to get in a rebound relationship.
My W came to pick up my S tonight. I didn't see her at all tonight. I left for my Tuesday night group before she got here. Just a short exchange of texts because she was running late.
Good Relationships group tonight at church (a.k.a. my Ladies' group). We talked about worry tonight. Stayed after group and chatted with our group leader for a bit.
Not too much else to report tonight. That's not a bad thing, either.
So, she started it! 
