In football, when you "over pursue", you get caught out of position and burned.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
She called me his morning crying because she has some problems at work that may cause her to be fired. I listened and was sympathetic. I asked her to let me know what happens. Then I sent her an encouraging email telling her to keep her chin up and it will all be okay.
Here's a goal you can work on. Don't over-do when she seems to be reaching out....or just being nice. You did what was right...."listened and was sympathetic"....then you told her to "let me know what happens". That was an appropriate way to end the call. But then you had to go and add more......and sent her an "encouraging email". Truth is, you hoped she would respond and would open the lines better. That was going too far. That was pursuing. Why couldn't you just leave it to what you said in the phone conversation?
She called me his morning crying because she has some problems at work that may cause her to be fired. I listened and was sympathetic. I asked her to let me know what happens. Then I sent her an encouraging email telling her to keep her chin up and it will all be okay.
Here's a goal you can work on. Don't over-do when she seems to be reaching out....or just being nice. You did what was right...."listened and was sympathetic"....then you told her to "let me know what happens". That was an appropriate way to end the call. But then you had to go and add more......and sent her an "encouraging email". Truth is, you hoped she would respond and would open the lines better. That was going too far. That was pursuing. Why couldn't you just leave it to what you said in the phone conversation?
Try working on no over-kill, okay?
I sent her the encouraging text 30 seconds after I hung up the phone with her. She had to hang up because she was pulling into work and was already late. Her boss is a jerk...thus the encouragement. Here is what I sent:
"Keep your chin up. Try not to let her see you sweat. You were late...it happens. I'm sure she's been late before. Try not to worry. It will be okay...I promise."
I really wasn't expecting a reply considering I just got off the phone with her. I'm not trying to argue with you...just trying to give a little more detail to the sitch to see what I could have done better....like leave well enough alone.
What you said in the email was very sweet. Don't obsess over it. Just learn from it.
I don't think it set you back. I believe I can see how hard it must be to hold the reigns back when your emotions are charging full speed ahead. That's why it's so common for the LBH to over-kill, b/c he's grasping at every straw he sees.
Another difficult thing for you will be to not rescue her. You were verbally soothing her, stroking her hair emotionally, and giving her promises that you have no control over. Yeah, I read all of that into that one little email. Tough thing, but if you are not in her life, what or who will she have to do that for her? That is what she needs to realize. What would her life be without you to lean on?
She has to see her loss made by her wrong decisions. It may not hit all at one time, but at some point, she will get her eyes open. I hope it won't be too late.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
In football, when you "over pursue", you get caught out of position and burned.
Oh yeah. You can't dwell on getting burned on one play. Youn learn from it and move on to the next play.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
So I've been reading a bit on going dark and started to think a bit about over-killing things. I'm not sure if I'm going too far with going dark. Here's a brief overview:
Before she left I would talk her into staying when she said she wanted to leave. I would take responsibility for everything. For example, I took full responsibility for the affair when I initially found out (this was three weeks after she moved out). She said that I always pointed out the bad stuff about her and I'm very negative. To an extent I agree with this. I did approach things wrong. On the other hand, she was having and EA and starting to distance herself from me and the kids. Also, she would spend a ton of money that we didn't have to the point that I couldn't pay bills. I asked for a long time for help. I asked her to do bills with me. I asked her to stay home more. Finally, after she ignored me for so long with my requests I would gripe and complain all the time. I'm not excusing my actions, just stating that I can't take all the responsibility for everything, nor can I be the only one that tries to change. I tried fixing everything...Hindsight is 20/20 and I see so many areas that I went wrong.
After the separation, we tried to work on us (the day that I found out about the fair). She kept comparing me to the other person and telling me how they would always tell her how great she was, etc. She is a great person. However, I do believe if someone loves another, they will be honest with them when it is called for. Again, I approached things wrong. So, I tried to tell her that the other person was saying stuff just to seduce her and the second they got what they wanted they ditched her. Basically, it was a dream world....I tried fixing everything again, big mistake. Now she wants the divorce, blames me for everything, and the list goes on. She also told me that she wanted me to leave her alone and talk to her about the kids only.
Okay, I left out a lot of details and the blanks can be filled in by reading the links on the first post that I made on this thread.
Back to over-killing things...Right now I do not call, text or email unless it's important or has something to do with the kids. For example, I sent her a text this morning asking her to bring my D's coat to daycare because it was getting cold out and to monitor her a bit because I was worried she was getting sick. Response was, "K. No problem." As I mentioned in one of my other posts, she works at the daycare that my kids go to. When I drop them off she is not there, but when I pick them up I have one of the employees go and get the kids rather than me going and her having to interact with me on a daily basis. You can see in my last couple posts that I was there when she called me crying...went overboard a little bit...but backed of and continued doing the same thing that I always do. I figured if she wanted to update me, she would.
So, am I over-killing the going dark thing? I don't think I am, then again I'm so close to the situation that it's hard to have a clear head. It's still hard for me to see her. I (think) I do a pretty good job acting upbeat when she's around. Generally, it's only when we are swapping the kids, so what I do is focus on my kids (which gets me excited) and small talk if she seems like she wants to. I make sure to tell her bye before she leaves. At first she seems like she is okay with being around me, then she seems like she's in a hurry to leave. I can't really read that, but then again we talked about gauging things earlier. I don't know if she thinks that I'm avoiding her.
Realistically, I overanalyze things and I need to stop. I understand that going dark is about me. I am a bit worried because she literally has nothing to do with me except for the kids and the call the other day which may have stemmed from a text message I sent earlier...I don't know.
Biggest step as far as GAL today. Going to Atlanta to see my favorite band play tonight. Originally bought tickets for me and the W. I'm going anyway. That's HUGE for me. Excited!!!
