time and distance

[Telemark]

You're being pretty hard on yourself, AC. Sure, you made mistakes - we all did - but nobody held a gun to our spouses' heads and forced them to walk; they did that all on their own. It takes two to make a marriage, and it takes two to break one. No one person is ever totally responsible.

I get where you are...I'm still there at times, also. I walked out of my empty house this morning and muttered to myself, "I just can't believe this happened." But it did, and unless our W's get heart and mind transplants, they probably will continue to travel that same dysfunctional path without us.

My daughter and I were having dinner recently,and she observed that men tend to look at past or present relationships and see the good things about them, where women are much more critical. Makes sense to me; we men can make mistakes, get angry, yell or whatever...but a few hours later it's over for us. But it's not over for our wives or partners; they remember the hurts and pains and neglect that have been inflicted on them by not just us, but by everyone. I'm not saying this is true for all men and women, but it seems to be more prevalent in situations like ours.

Ac, I can imagine the anxiety you're feeling about seeing your W again; I felt it last week just seeing my W for coffee at my house. If you want my opinion - and even if you don't, I'm giving it anyway - it would be to act as cool, calm and collected as possible. Friendly, but slightly aloof. Don't telegraph the fact you're ripped apart inside.

Since March I've been doing a lot of reading about men, women, relationships, marriage...wish I would have done this years ago, but that's another story. But the common theme in in any relationship is that women want and need a strong, confident, secure partner they can rely on. Insecurity, self-pity, "nice guys" and emotional wrecks don't cut it.

Even if you can't feel it, put on the best Oscar-winning performance you can when she arrives. Fake it until you make it. Be strong, confident and secure in yourself. Think John Wayne. OK, it seems like a cliche, but admit it...he sweated confidence. And I think one of two things might happen: 1) your W will look at you with new eyes and become curious about this new AC, or 2) nothing changes but you continue to cultivate a stronger AC FOR YOURSELF.

And that, my friend, is really what we are all trying to do...become stronger persons so we can be happy with ourselves. Until we can be good to ourselves, we are no good to anyone else.

Show her the strong AC...pilgrim.