Navy I try to check in with you every once in a while, been trying to analyze your sitch, and I'm almost sure your W is acting in one of two ways.
Either she is keeping this up while she is in school in a plan to eventually make her escape. In other words finish the degree, get a job, move out, take the kids.
Or
She is perpetually stuck in her own misery and is too busy scape goating you to actually move to piecing. It is easier for her to blame you than to deal with her own issues.
She is lagging because she has no reason to change. She knows you want to save the marriage so she will push and push. There will always be an excuse, no matter how hard you try she will always push you away, because it's easy.
IMHO your best chance is to end the cycle of anger, let her know that her behavior is becoming intolerable, and that you will no longer be the one she takes it out on. Yes this will lead to fights, yes she will threaten you with leaving, but honestly is this what you want?
I'm not saying to throw her out, but slowly and methodically stand up for yourself. It's ok to get angry when unjustly treated, and make sure she knows. Let's face it she probably thinks she is entitled to treat you like she does. Let her know she can't.
This can be done gently but firmly. Once she can't blame you then she can start working on HER issues.
