W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore.

[Snowman]

Well, my W emailed me today to tell me that next weekend she is going to San Francisco with my son to meet a visit a married friend that fortunately I know and have a good opinion of. I'm not wild about the fact she is driving there from where we live but I didn't intervene and told her to drive safe and let me know they get there (just so I know they got there safe). I think that is very reasonable considering how far away it is.

I ask about her mom and it took her 2 emails later to say anything about her. Her mom was actually getting out of the hospital even though my wife didn't know that. Oh well, My wife's issues with her mom run deep as well and not going to even address that problem.

I have regained my calm and composure after this weekends events. I am going to continue my work on my marriage and me. I need to get further in DR and rethink my approach I want to take but I'm following the 37 rules from Sandi for now. If someone has other advice I'm open to at this point. I'm not as anxiety ridden and have fought my temptations to track wife or backslide as much as possible.

I discussed with my counselor today about working on my control issues and how I'm working on that. I told my counselor about that fact my wife went to a psychiatrist but told no one about it and that she was referred by her counselor. I told my counselor about what concerns about possible psychiatric problem and she didn't disagree about the signs.

I'm not trying to pin my marriage problem on a disorder but her history has shown definite signs of problems and all I can hope is that she is getting help for it. I her when she has worked through her problems and is ready to address us. I will GAL and be the best dad I can be.

What does that community think??

[Snowman]

I seem to not be getting feedback anymore on my posts??

I feel like my wife and I are slipping further apart. Communication is very little at this point. I'm trying to get through DR so I can start doing those things but I know I really can only do the LRT because we are physically separated. I feel like progress is stagnant right now which is hard. This blows.

[~ kd ~]

Hey frosty... sorry you're feeling a little neglected, here... sometimes our posts... our thoughts and our questions... stand on their own and they're just worth re-reading after a few hours or a day or two... and the answers we seek come out at us...

And sometimes, it's a slow day for users or we've read and are thinking about a post... it sux not having immediate responses, but try not to take it personal... it isn't...

Having said that, has it been mentioned to you that this is a marathon, not a sprint... IOW, if you feel things are getting better, don't get too excited, they could get worse, in the next breathe...

Just because it feels like you and your W are slipping apart, does not mean that things won't get better...

Yes, I said exactly nothing that helps, above... it's frustrating...

Now, there is no magic bullet... follow LRT and work on yourself... it's the only sane thing you can do... slow, steady, consistent work on yourself and you will see the results in your R... it may be good, it may be bad, it may be no different... just make good changes and keep them real and do them because they are good for you... and it might help your M... but at least, it will help you...

Pick up some hobbies... some GAL activities, that you can do when your mind goes idle and starts thinking about your sitch... the brain is an amazing thing and it will continue to work on the "problem" even when it isn't sitting in your conscious thoughts...

It's not easy to stand... to do the work... but it's worth it... you're worth it, your S is worth it, your W is worth it... and maybe... your M will get better... given time...

[Snowman]

Journaling, my wife asked to half my S on Sunday because her brother is in town to see my MIL that is moving away forever and just got out of the hospital. I have no problem with my S seeing his uncle other than the fact that she wants me to give up part of a weekend day with my son that I rather not. In addition my wife is driving all the way to San Francisco with my son next weekend which is like a 12 hour drive from where I live. No that I have told thinks it is a good idea and is afraid my S will not do that well on a drive that long in one day. My S is not the quiet kid type that likes to stay still so everyone knows a drive like that will be a challenge. I don't want to fight her about it but I'm not a fan of this idea. Some many things could go wrong and she would be alone with my son in the middle of no where. What does everyone think about that.

As far as my W getting my S on Sunday I made a compromise. I'm letting her have him for the morning to see her brother but I want him back for nap time so he has time to nap and then go to my parents for Sunday dinner with the family with all his nieces and nephews. I feel this is a fair compromise considering she will have him for 4 days the next weekend driving very far away with him.

My wife texted me this morning about getting the maternity clothes for the girl she is living with today and I said come over whenever, my dad and I will be working on the deck. She never did text back and I thought it was weird she needed them today when she was coming over tomorrow anyway. Not sure what this all means.

I also got a DVD back from my W that my S watches that also had a copy of "He Just Not Into You". What is that suppose to mean?

I finished reading most of DR and I got to tell you that my wife has depression mixed with MLC. I reviewed old emails from her about our sex life and hard times. They reminded me of how tough things were and how crazy she was acting then. Our intimacy was good after the battles but it always seem to be a problem among other behaviors she showed. She was always angry or not happy, like she was depressed. She claims she was happiest when she was pregnant which was a good time of intimacy for us and her chest was exploding to full bloom. Maybe her hormones were raging and she was actually wanted sex which seems to bind the rest life together.

I still think my wife is depressed or otherwise has issues that have got worse as our time together has grown. There is to much history pointing to depression or other disorder to ignore it. My W's brother show many of the same symptoms that my MIL agrees they have as well. Anyway, I guess we will see what happens with all this and what kid of help my wife gets for herself.

I get upset about things she request or wants to do but I realize I cant control so why try or fight it. I just need to keep my cool when she comes to come get my S. Follow the LRT and it will go well, here is hoping.

[Snowman]

Well I let my wife come and get my son on Sunday so he could see her brother that was in town. She was going to keep him until after one but had him back before noon. Our contact was very cordial and less tense then it has ever been in this thing.

She was very appreciative for letting me take our S on my day and for that fact that I'm letting her take him for 4 days next weekend to San Francisco. I checked the oil in her car and expressed my concern about the very long drive and our son. She says that she will stop many times to give our S a break. She got the maternity clothes from our house for her friend and I help her put one of the large boxes in her car.

I also mentioned that I was going to Costco while she has our S and asked her if she needed anything. She mentioned milk and wipes for our S. I did get her those things and put them in the car when she got back. She offered me money but I said not its fine. She was thankful and left. When we passed each other her look was not the angry look she has always had. It was somewhat sad or desperate of sort, not sure.

She then texted me the next morning about paying the babysitter which I was doing even though it is her week to do so but she is letting me have our S the entire week due to her upcoming trip. She asked about our family party to decorate pumpkins and stuff which is surprising. The interactions this weekend seemed good although I know I should not have any expectations which I don't. My wife did transfer some more money out of savings which I thought was silly considering she offered me money to pay for the things I got at Costco and she is supposed to be contributing to pay some of our joint bills but she hasn't.

Well I having been doing the LRT for weeks now and I'm hoping it is working. I think I have seen small signs from this weekend that are hopefully progress. Only time will tell.

[~ kd ~]

In case you were not aware, depression is actually a primary factor in MLC... not chronic depression, it's situational to life transitions and therefore present in transitions that become crisis...

If your W does suffer mild to moderate depression in the first place, I do not know how that might play into a transition crisis...

As lot of the DB work, especially regarding more difficult M sitchs, is the 180s...

Many here are all for men "manning up" and owning the traditional values attributed to men...

And also, that we always keep our kids best interests ahead of any personal interests regarding our spouse and the M...

That being said, it might be something for you to look at regarding possible control issues in yourself (not sure if you have a tendency for that), but how you handle things like the Sunday compromise you mention above...

Would you consider that type of compromising as normal behaviour, or is that something of a 180?

Often our spouses complain the reason they lost interest in the M and the LBS is because the LBS "controlled" them... it's their perception, but they truly believe that is the case... whatever we can do to manage healthy boundaries, without crossing the line to controlling, will always be good for US and any R we have, including our M...

[Snowman]

I am aware of situational depression but my wife as exhibited depression for much longer than this situation even to the point where she was getting her self checked out as far as an endocrinologists and has exhibit signs previous to this situation. Her own counselor/psychologists referred her to a psychiatrist not me.

I'm not sure how her depression or other possible issues can affect her but people have noticed around her not just me. I'm not trying to pin depression on her because I'm trying to control or otherwise manipulate the situation. I do worry about her having an issue and hope she can get it addressed.

I do admit that I do have a control issue in our M but I have been working on that and not trying to direct things unless it affects our S. I think I was fairly nice about my Sunday situation and she recognized that. I'm concerned about the drive to San Francisco because that is an extremely long drive for anyone but especially for a 2 year old. I also just worry about her making it there as well. Not trying to control her but everyone had concern about the traveling.

I'm not sure the compromise was really a 180 because it is the 1st time it has happened in this situation as far as her asking to have my S on a day I'm suppose to have him. I felt pretty good about the whole compromise and she ended up coming back early because her family thought it was more important to watch football then hang out with their mom before she moved away.

I know my W probably thinks I was controlling which is why I have not been controlling unless it did affect our S. I don't think I should just roll over and be a door mat for everything either so I will share my opinion on some things.

Journaling,

My wife cancelled her San Francisco trip and is now going with a girlfriend somewhere much closer without my S so I get to keep him this whole week including the weekend. Our conversation was pleasant again and I have to say that I'm glad she is not dragging my son to San Fran by herself. My W was very appreciative of things and letting her take our S for extra time to do her now cancelled trip. We discussed halloween but didn't pin down a plan yet. She was willing to let my have our S without me even asking really. We will see what happens there.

[~ kd ~]

That is good if your W is seeking help with what might be chronic depression. It certainly could help her.

Otherwise, you sound like you are taking a good look at you and how you can become a better person. That is awesome of course.

This is not a 2x4, but I did want to point out something I noticed in your post:

I felt pretty good about the whole compromise and she ended up coming back early because her family thought it was more important to watch football then hang out with their mom before she moved away.

Just notice how this comes across. Of course, you are posting that here, so perhaps it is only an opinion you feel safe to vent here.

I would recommend trying very hard not to think this way. Yes, it's natural when we hurt to grasp negative opinions and make judgments because we hurt. It's a defense mechanism.

But do try to understand that its very possible that that family does not have the same moral compass as you do. Or perhaps you have the same moral compass, but are hurting right now so you're lashing out at things that you don't like in other people, because you do not like those things in yourself.

So like I said, not a 2x4, just an observation of things that an LBS does...

Rather than worrying about how others conduct their family dynamic, decide what you do and do not want in your nuclear family (you, the kids, your W) and stand firm on them. If your W was leaving, would you spend her last days here watching a football game, or would you make attempts at spending quality time with your S...? Or is there a difference...?

[Snowman]

I'm so much as venting about the mom thing as I think it is sad. Most people that have some kind of moral compass will spend time with their mother who just got out of the hospital and is moving away for ever. If it is ok in someones moral compass to push the mother away that raised you after you dad cheated on your mother and walk out on her then treat her like this now since she shows concern and wants to see her family before she moves away is not right. The brother specifically flew here to see his mom and only spent one of the 2 days with her. I'm not the only one that thinks this is ridiculous and weird. I'm not venting as my MIL vented on me about this and she has every right I think. Anyway oh well not my problem but I think it is sad.

I went to dinner with my MIL to let her see her only grandson one last time since I have him this week. She was very appreciative and we had a good time with him.

My wife called and asked how I was doing and then asked to talk to our S. I gave the phone to him to chat and when she was done she just hung up. Thought that was kind of weird as my son doesn't really didn't know what was going on and doesn't fully talk yet. Anyway, not sure what is really going on but it seems different that my W is all the sudden acting nice about things.

She offered to let me have my S on Halloween since she loves him so much but asks me what my family is doing for Halloween like she is trying to make sure I take him. I assume she probably going partying but oh well I won't know and don't care. Everything is awkward as usual.

[Snowman]

Well had a great full week with my son since my W pulled a change midweek and decide to go on vacation by herself. She did start calling to talk to our son again which was more for her than him. He is only 2 and doesn't really understand whats going on. He didn't want to talk to her half the time which was weird. When W called she seemed nice most the time and was very appreciative for switching schedules with my S.

I did verify through our Health Savings Account that she has seen a psychiatrist and is on a drug called Celexa. I really do think my wife has a psychiatric problem that was there way before this stitch started. There is way to many events to explain to try to explain the whole marriage but I do think she has a real problem. She even said suicidal stuff in our marriage that I would help her with and I think I was naive about it when she said things like that. I think my wife is trying to deal with her problem by herself and is embarrassed to admit she has a problem to anyone, including me.

I don't know how to help a person who needs help but won't let anyone help them. I hope and pray she is getting help from the new psychiatrist. She seems happier in the last 2 weeks or so but I don't know anything enough to know if any of it is real progress or the drugs that she is taking to help with her problem or what.

I have read a lot about bipolar and other mental illnesses and the more I read the more I convinced she really has an issue. I don't think some of my behaviors made her problem easier but like I said didn't really see it until now when I'm able to reflect on her behaviors. She had problems with her family and our marriage since we have been married.

I'm not sure LRT is the right method to employ in my situation or not. Her family all have signs of the same mental illness and have difficulties in relationships, work, life, and whatever else. I'm not just saying this to blame my M on these problems but I'm not going to ignore all the signs either.

What should I do in this situation?