Got up today to get my S on the bus. I headed down to the local coffee shop after that. Started a conversation with the shop owner and an older gentlemen who came in the shop later. The upbeat and positive attitude can be fun!
I had lunch again with my S at school. I actually talked to his teacher. His teacher said my S is doing a lot better. I shared I've been working with my S on having a PMA and his teacher seemed to agree that it showed.
Hit the bike path for a 31 mi. ride today. I felt like the wind was in my face going both direction. Ran into a little rain shower along the way, too. It was a decent workout.
Got home and just tossed the frisbee with my S in the backyard for awhile.
Tonight I think we're going to try to hit King's Island for a bit and just rider a few coasters.
King's Island was a bust last night. It started raining on the way there and there was a huge line of cars waiting to get in. My S and I just came home and chilled out for a bit.
This morning I went to a Men's Breakfast at my church. It was a great time. We had a little round table session and I ended up spilling a little thumbnail sketch of my situation. The other guys were nothing but supportive for what I'm going through. I am getting a ton of support from folks at my church.
Today is looking like it's shaping up to be a beautiful day, albeit it is pretty windy today. I have to cut the grass, but I'm hoping my S and I will be able to get into something fun this afternoon.
My S and I didn't get into anything too crazy yesterday afternoon. I just cut the grass, trimmed some trees and bushes, and my S initiated a demolition project on a swing we had in the backyard that had definitely seen better days. He actually had a good time beating the thing with a hammer.
We spent some time after that passing a frisbee in the back yard and front yard. When we were in the front yard one of our neighbors who was probably my W's best friend in the neigborhood stopped by. She actually hasn't heard from my W and asked how she was doing. She asked how I was doing and I just told her I was doing some thing for myself, and I'm doing what I can for my S and to take care of the house.
Last night, my S wanted to watch Zookeeper, so we rented it from Redbox. We had a good time.
Busy day today with my S. We started the day by going to church. I am continue to meet more and more people there and the message was very good today. We also had a mission fair after the service. I signed up for the West Virginia again for next year. I just need to come up with the money to go on these trips now.
After church, we hopped in the car and drove up to Columbus to watch the second half of the Bengals game. Actually going to the game exceeds my budget right now. On the way back, we stopped by Kings Island to ride some coaster for a little more than an hour. It was a really nice day here. Besides, I can't think of a better way to see the fall foilage than a ride on a wooden coaster through the woods.
We came home briefly, then ran out and did our grocery shopping. We made some chocolate chip pancakes for dinner.
We really had a great day and great weekend. However, it was still like something was missing. I'm missing someone to enjoy it with. Am I specifically missing my W? It;s at least part of it, but today I'm not positive it's all of it.
I know how you feel. I haven't been at this as long as you have, but there are times already where I am missing a loving companion and that I wonder if it's someone else other than my W.
On the other hand, there are days too that I see her and we do something together, and it feels like it did when we first met, and I wonder what she's thinking.
I just feel that with all of the hard work we are putting into ourselves, GALing, and DBing, that we deserve a big pay off and being alone right now isn't fair.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
I just feel that with all of the hard work we are putting into ourselves, GALing, and DBing, that we deserve a big pay off and being alone right now isn't fair.
I agree. I believe there is already been payoff now. The payoff is coming in other places right now and not so much in my M. I am doing a lot of things I wouldn't have done but always wanted to do. I'm also making a lot of new friends. I think I was just about as guilty as many other guys around here and I just sat back and let my W run my social life. I don't feel that's the case anymore. I want to continue building on it, though. If I'm ever able to rebuild (I like that term better than restore) my M, I think going through this season is necessary to get to that better place in my M than we've ever been.
All this doesn't mean I don't have the craving for companionship. It doesn't mean I don't have the thoughts of upgrading to someone who is committed to the M. When I really process those thoughts, though, I think I realize they aren't as idealistic or feasible as they may sound on the surface. I also need to do what I feel is the right thing to do. I especially have to be able to look my S in the eye someday and tell him straight up that I did everything humanly possible to save the M and his family. My preference would be to rebuild a new M with a new me and hopefully a new and improved W.
I woke this morning with a low to moderate level of anxiety for some reason. Fortunately, the 8.6 mi. ride this morning killed most of it.
Busy day at work. I may have mentioned it before, but I have a female co-worker in my group who is also a LBS. She is already D'd. She's aware of my situation and will stop by every once in awhile will stop by and check in on me. It's nice to have the support. I'll have to admit, I do find her attractive. She is right around my age, she's a good Mom to her two daughters, she's bright, she takes care of herself, there's common interests, etc. It's nothing I'm acting on or intend to act on. I'm just saying the mind can wander and I have to reign myself back in. She knows where I stand with my W. She'll be a good catch for someone someday.
I had my S again tonight. It was nice enough to pass a frisbee before dark, so we did that, ran some errands, made dinner, and played a game after dinner.
I did text my W tonight because it was time to schedule parent teacher conferences. I never heard anything back, which is a little unusual for my W. I went ahead and just signed up on the schedule, and if she can make it and wants to be there at the same time as me, she can come. I did find a time where we are both available, as far as I know.
Checking in, jb...as always, sounds like you have a good handle on yourself. I agree with what you and NTXSadDad said about missing companionship, and I often have thoughts of how much better our M would be now that I've been able to work on myself.
But that's the kicker...we have done the serious heart-work to make ourselves better, but our W's have not. Even if they decided to return tomorrow, would we eventually go through this all over again?
No thanks. I'd rather slide down a 50 foot razor blade into a pool of saltwater than experience this again.
You're absolutely correct about the payoff coming in other areas of our lives. Those payoffs are what we need to focus on now, because they are what is working. If we get a second chance to rebuild a better M, that's a bonus. If not, we will eventually get a new chance with someone who values us for who we are and who we have become.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
