Yep.........I'm still here

[~¤DG¤~]

I wanted to write more in my previous response but I didn't have enough time.

Today has been...ok. It wasn't as hard as it could have been but it wasn't easy. I think it's safe to say that I'm feeling kind of numb. I know that when I do receive my D papers it will open up a whole flood of emotions and I don't want to waste time worrying about it now, when I don't have to.

I won't lie, it hurts very, very badly. I was reading 25's post to DueinMay about forgiveness and I will admit, I wish I could make my H read it and learn from it. I really wish he could forgive me for the past and what I've done to hurt him.

In my honest opinion, our problems in our M are not deal breakers. At least not to me. I am by no means minimizing my actions or behavior, I'm just saying I know we could have worked through them I had already started to go to counseling a good 6 weeks before we even separated and had my meds adjusted and was starting to feel more like myself again. I don't blame my H for leaving, I probably would have left also. Maybe it's denial, or fear, but I just can't rationalize a divorce from him. It just seems so petty. There are a lot of couples who go through far worse (on the flip side not nearly as bad) and make it through the other side. I was hoping we could be one of those couples.

Something 25 wrote in DIM's thread I copied:

I think What matters is what I learned, not how I learned it

I am going to remind myself of this as many times as I have to, in order to forgive myself.

Yes, I treated my H with disrespect and made him feel like less of a man, I'm not proud of it, but I own it.
I'm learning from it. I know, without a doubt, that I will never, ever take someone I love & care about for granted ever again. I don't think I could ask for a bigger lesson that that.