Saving the M and caring for a baby

[25yearsmlc]

well geez what a week!!!!

So the "Universe" at work definitely tossing some wrenches your way, with an unpinned grenade rolled onto your desk to boot. Nice touch...

And your h sends flowers early -kinda cool by the way--(not putting the name is just silly sloppy, I would not read a thing into that)

BUT did the card say "ILY" in it? Does he know you value those words? Have you mentioned it in a way that isn't...angry or needy but observational?

it's an odd thing to leave out considering he wants you to move in and can't believe you won't, ALL due to "one lapse in judgement"....wow-gotta write that one down. When h moved to Stanford (300 miles away) I thought he was semi-delusional to tell the girls he hadn't left us, he was just "working up the road."

See, your h's lapse sure was a LONG one.

The single upside I see is that I think it may rule out an OW/PA...okay not "rule out" conclusively, but it supports the idea that in his mind there was no crossing the line and

his "lapse in judgement" is about...what? Moving out? Not wanting an already pregnant w to be his w or to have the baby? I wonder what HE thinks his lapse was?

May, if you bring up the idea of other children down the road, right now, I think you are shooting yourself in the foot.

See how he is when you live together FIRST...before you even talk about it.

Sorry to say this May, really, but if ANY couple ought to space their kids apart, isn't it you guys?

SO want HIM to initiate all the discussion about that and all the efforts in that direction.

He may want another chance to prove himself and we can pray for that, but let it come from him.

IF he changes a lot in the c's office and over time really really gets it and cures his depression and all that jazz, BUT UNTIL THEN....

I'd fear "laspe" #2...a lot. And if I know you, (which I don't, so I'm obviously projecting) ....

I think a 2nd pregnancy, coupled with another lapse on his end, would have dire and direct consequences to the m. IS that at all accurate?

So please let's take our time on that.

And without making him wear a hairshirt, I'd try hard to get thru to him that the "ONE lapse" of his sure lasted a shitload of time and was a bit more than a lapse in judgment. It involved many actions committed, acts omitted and spoken words that hurt, unspoken words that remain unspoken and hurt...

A lapse in judgement is a careless act/omission to act, not a cruel or deliberately neglectful series of events and acts.

********
May I want to support your forgiveness efforts as much as possible- so I'm loathe to sit here and remind you of all that.

And I apologize if I'm wrong to do it and I might be.

But something tells me that you need to have clarity with him when the review of this ordeal is done.

He can't/won't get it all and doesn't have to, and I'm not into saying "details PLEASE!!!" at all.

But HE needs to be aware that the EFFECTS of whatever he wants to call his behavior, are what matter the most. (And protecting against another round)

No mere "lapse in judgement" would have hurt you or the m, or His self esteem or yours, as much as a series of actions/words and abandonment, did.

He has to see it for real. before he (or YOU) can know he'll refrain from it again.
Does he understand that you need this?

Soooo, now, back to forgiving!!

((( )))