Am I blind and/or stupid?

[Accuray]

Have you spoken to your cousin about this? What's your relationship with your cousin like? Can you have a "man to man" discussion? I would probably be tempted to tell your W that you're not comfortable with her friendship with your cousin, and that you plan to talk to him about it. If nothing is going on, she shouldn't mind that at all. If something *is* going on, she can't stop you from talking to him, he is your relative after all, so you should feel free to have a heart-to-heart discussion.

Your W is *definitely* having an A or an EA. The pattern repeats itself over and over again. Go to Pat Love's website, go to the downloads section and review the document about an "office spouse", you should review it with your W as it makes it very clear about where the cheating line is drawn. In any case, most A's start with your W involved in a friendly relationship with OM. As time goes by, the friendship gets more intimate. It's a slippery slope. They don't start out intending for it to go there, but they're open to it. As it gets rolling, they feel connected, the secrecy is exciting, and before too long they feel "in love", which is a chemical thing that alters their brain chemistry and gives them a high.

Once they're there, they will actively try to keep it going, and that means that they will both lie to you. They will deny, deny, deny, and will promise you it's over again and again when it is not.

A few things:

1) Be careful what you ask, be sure you really want the answer. Some people don't. At the end of the day, it usually doesn't really have anything to do with you, you could be the best H in the world.

2) The best way to get the truth is to normalize the situation. "I understand how you're feeling -- everyone likes attention from the opposite sex, it makes us feel special. Humans are not monogamous by nature, it's natural for us to be interested in other people sometimes, that's normal." etc. etc. If they think that you get it, and can empathize, they are more likely to let their guard down, because you are not being threatening.

3) If she's having an A or an EA, she is likely on her way out the door. She may not be acting that way now, you might think you can get her to stop this if you threaten to leave, etc. etc. Before you do ANYTHING, gut check what you want the long term outcome to be. If she cheated on you, do you want her back, or do you want her gone? Many marriages come away from an affair stronger than before, it doesn't need to be the end. If you want her back over the long haul, then tread very carefully now. She has moved away from you emotionally. If you push her farther away now, you're going to have to recover every inch you lose in a slow painful process.

Your best bet if you want her back is to stabilize the situation, you withdraw too. If you back away versus pursue, she won't move away any farther than she is now assuming you are civil.

Remember, she's going to resent you right now. She will resent you for spying on her, she will resent you for threatening this great relationship she's enjoying. She will resent you for things she makes up, because it helps to justify what she's doing if you're the bad guy. Don't play into that.

Don't blame, don't accuse, don't scold, and don't make her responsible for your sadness or happiness, she will resent you for giving her that power over you. If you want her back, your #1 goal right now is not to create additional resentment or push her farther away. Your #2 goal is to have the affair ended.

If you flip the priority on that, you will run a much higher risk of losing her and having a much harder road back to happy.