It was nice seeing you all have a discussion about forgiveness. I could just sit back and see the various opinions and valuable points you each made.
I know I have to forgive for me. Every time I think I'm over something, it will come to rear it's ugly head in one form or another. I think the only thing that can kill that is time.
When SIL and I got into a HUGE fight several years ago, it took me a long time to retell the event to someone without getting angry and emotional. It really wasn't until a year or two after the incident that I was able to talk about it without becoming upset. I'm emotionally over it, but it took a while.
I think it's just going to take a while.
I moved all my big stuff to my apt on Saturday. Sunday I was very ill with allergies due to being outside so much. Tonight I'm staying at the house because we have MC. Sister is coming over tomorrow to check it out. She's moving all of her stuff on Friday.
H tried convincing me to stay in the house until the 11th hour. I kept telling him that we are doing a great job, and I do really want to move home, just not right now. I told him it's like if I was told I had to go live with his parents. I can tolerate them for short amounts of time and be really civil with them on a surface level, but the daily grind would be too much for me to be nice to them all the time.
I think I would routinely rip him a new one if I were to stay in the house right now. And we've worked too hard to mess that up.
He said that he's upset that after 8 years one "lapse in judgement" (remember me using this line?) is causing me to want to move out. I explained to him that it's like if he said, "I don't know why you're afraid of me. I only stabbed you once."
Um, yeah, but you F-ING STABBED ME.
One will be nervous for a while after.
It's all still too fresh. What happens when baby #2 comes? What happens when he has another depressive episode (and now that he's had one, the likelihood of him having another skyrockets)? What if I get sick with cancer or something? Will he leave me in my darkest hour then too?
There's too much unknown for me right now.
Oh, and yes, 25, he used to tell me ILY all the time. He's still not said it yet, but he is now kissing me before I leave for the day when I'm with him. He still has not initiated ML.
Work has been insane. By some blatant defiant act, another child ended up in my classroom (which puts me over my cap). Another one has gone off his medication and is literally climbing every piece of furniture and using it for base jumping. One is leaving me because I've done my job and he can rejoin his non-aggressive peers.
I was so exhausted when I came back from nursing D at lunch, and when I walked in the office, my secretary said, "Oh, those are for you"
There was a small vase of beautiful fall flowers with a note that said, "Happy Anniversary! Hope this brightens up your day!"
It had no name on it.
I texted H. He sent them to me. Said he thought it would be more of a surprise if I got them a week before our anniversary. He apologized for forgetting to put his name on it.
