The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

[LearningPatience]

More journaling:

The M is in it's death throws. Not that it wasn't before, maybe more like a deep coma. W and I both need to move out of limbo I guess.

Went to MC last Thursday with W. Most of the session was practical matters about D. W kept saying she wanted it, but couldn't get herself to get around to filing. Towards the end of the session I let her know I started seeing someone. I figured she'd find out sooner or later and wanted it to come from me. Also figured it would help to mention it in front of C. W seemed happy for me until I told her it was E, who she's kind of friends with. She was pi$$ed! She went on how untrustworthy E was (projection anyone?) At the end of the session, we all agreed that there was no need for continued MC.

Friday morning came. Happy fifth anniversary to us Noticed that W was online and got the following email a few minutes later:
Today is our 5th anniversary and I want to remember all the good times we have had together.

I was hurt and angry at counseling yesterday so I couldn't tell you that its good to see you happy. I may not agree with who you have chosen but I have not seen you smile like you did yesterday in years. Maybe that's why it hurt so much. I am glad you have found your smile again:)

Have a great time in Chicago.

I sent a short reply back:
It's a bittersweet smile :-/

It's NOT where I envisioned things five years ago, but we have to keep moving along in our lives and do the best with whatever happens.

I hope you find the happiness and contentment you deserve!

Drove to Chicago to see a friend and go to a concert. Had a great time, forgot all about everything at home! Drove back the next day. Four hours alone in the car was probably not the best thing. It was a very melancholy drive back.

Had my boys over on Sunday and had a good time with them. Visited with STBX MIL after that and had some really good conversations about everything under the sun. W told her I was seeing someone. MIL asked her why it was ok for her to see OM but not ok for me to see E. Don't think she got an answer.

MIL thinks W is lost and needs to find herself. W has always been the type that when a R gets tough, she bails. MIL hopes she learns someday that it's worth fighting for and sticking together through the hard times. I hope so too for her sake. MIL reiterated at the end of the night that they'll always consider me family.

So W is out in CO visiting SD. She texted me that she's going to use an online D service and that she had some questions when she got back. Sometime in the next week or so we will most likely be sitting together finalizing our M. What a freaking waste...