What was I an idiot? Of course there's an OM...

[workinghardguy]

Thanks guys... I know I sound fixated on the mental health aspect, and partially I may be. At the same time I realize three things:

First, even if mental health issues are part of the root cause it can take a very long time, if ever, to truly resolve those.

Second, any mental health issue is simply part of this mess, not the sum of it. I have my own issues. Those issues I am aware of and have been for some time. When my W listed her issues I already knew 90% of them. I had just chosen not to act.

Lastly, there is something fundamentally flawed in our R. That's how we got here. Even if her clinical depression went away tomorrow would that change our R? Yes and no. It might make it easier to work on our R, it may clear her mind and create space where things aren't constantly hopeless, but the fundamental issues would still be there. Until I change those things about me there isn't a chance the R can be restored.

As far as the trip... yes I just listened and validated. I know that it talks to more of her issue of being wild and crazy and letting go once in a while. I get it. Should our R ever be restored it may be a big thing we can't agree on or have to compromise on. I believe she goes out too much. She believes I don't go out enough. Somewhere between has to be a happy medium.

And not pushing the C has to be the hardest part for me right now. I'm so scared for her at times regarding suicide and self-harm. But I know pushing C will only make her flee. So I wait... I wait for her to talk about it or ask for help in accessing it.

Yesterday she asked me "how it works" and thankfully since I've been through the process of finding a C, getting a diagnosis so health insurance kicks in, etc.. I could answer that for her. I think it went well... that part of the convo ended with her joking that she'll probably walk away with three or four diagnosis I laughed... didn't agree or disagree, just laughed with her.