Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[ClingingToHope]

How to be clear about this.

When we were together we did not put up a united front. I was always very involved and I think that hurt. I think she really wanted to be in total control. That's the way it was with her mom. Her dad was never involved. He was either working or drinking.

So apart, I don't question the decisions made at her house. I wonder, but I don't question because I know she really wants to be in control. It's a major part of her self image, and I always chipped away at it by questioning or challenging.

She continues to question the decisions made at mine, though, but I deal with the girls the way I see best. The positive about being apart is I can deal with them the way I want to. Last week, mostly I just filled her in because I didn't want her accusing me of keeping her out of the loop. But the decisions made were mine.

Really, the electronics decision was my decision. And it worked well. And that's the punishment that'll continue going forward.

I can't compare how I am with D9 anymore to how XW is with her because I don't see it and I don't ask. It doesn't help me.

Funny, last week I had a bad breakout of acne. I wondered what happened. D9 has been into eating fried chicken and I had some with her, and I know that's not good for acne.

But really it's stress and I figured a bunch of stresses came together last week.

Relationship stress. OKC and I were supposed to have lunch. She pushed it back for work reasons and has been texting/communicating a lot less. Deep down I think this R -- if you can call it that -- is going to come to an end before it really got started.

D9 had an awful week, so there was daily stress there. Plus, D12 had her theater stuff so there was daily contact with XW. I felt anxious every day. And I REALLY WANTED to talk to someone about it. I talked with a few friends and my sister. That helped. But I REALLY WANTED to talk with that someone special and I don't have that right now.

Finances. The car insurance was due. I ended up making less than usual at my running races so I find myself a few hundred in the hole. That means really scaling back in October and November and religiously making it to plasma donation.

So all of that hit at once. On Friday, while donating plasma I didn't even try to boost my heart rate. I usually have problems because my heart rate usually is in the 40s. The plasma place requires it be in the 50s. On Friday, while relaxed it was 63. That's how much stress I've been feeling.

The hospital thing. I was just frustrated and angry and the date/finances just added to it. D9 just seems to be spiraling. For the most part, we had a good summer. I did not expect this.

I don't blame XW for D9's condition. I don't blame XW for D9 spiraling. She's trying and I'm trying. I do blame her for the D. That's her decision. At some point, it'll just be a small memory and a small pain, but when things get bad it bubbles back up.

I know long-term that I'll be OK financially. There is light at the end of the tunnel in February and March. I just have to keep my focus and not worry so much about right now. Someone great will walk in to my life.

Another weird thought I was trying to swat away this weekend was the "eventually she'll see the light." Finding out XW is broke and stressed got me drifting in to the thoughts of she'll eventually figure out the Grass Isn't Greener and come back. The "I Do Again" book is hard to get out of my mind.

It was just a really, really bad week. Of course, today I just spent 90 minutes with XW at a meeting with the school about D9. I really look forward to the day when the only time I have to see her is really special occasions like a birthday. It's 10 years or so away, but I can dream.

I raided my change jar and put a bunch of money back in bank. I should get paid by my siser and the running race company this week. So I'll be back to having some reserves. I have money set aside for Christmas. Life marches on.