but youngatheart, can you step in on SSM's thread?
He needs a male's advice from one who made it "to the other side" b/c he sure seems stuck
(& he needs to decide if he wants to change, or accept things and what he wants from us, etc)
b/c idk how to help if the answer is always "tried that already" and then a defense of the status quo.
thanks
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
yeah see the issue missing there is something you, YAH and I all find very very important...
So it's foreign to me to think that someone else could do without it and not really switch positions from that.
But who am I to say?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Things have been truly great. The last 2 months have been about rediscovering each other and we are definitely stronger for it. Unfortunately due to some issues she is still having with her pills she hasn't been too much in the mood to ml. After 3 weeks of nothing I tried initiating last night told her I was really in the mood she brushed me off as too tired and napped in the couch.
I notice she didn't make it to bed, and was worried sick. I knew she got up and conciously slept on the couch. I figure she was angry again. I worried so much that all the trouble would start again I hardly slept. Eventually she came back to bed around 3. I asked if everything was fine she just said she was tired, and to stop pestering her with questions and sex when she is tired.
The next morning I asked how she was, she just kept saying she was tired. I dropped the issue and decided to GAL. Messaged some friends and got a couple of rounds of cards in. That really helped. On the way back I got us lunch, she looked at me and said I looked devastated. I told her the truth that I didn't sleep well because she didn't come to bed. She apologized, and tried to make it up with cute faces and jokes.
I later asked her why she was so mad, she replied that she hated when I was so needy, that all I want is sex, and that she feels worthless, because I don't want her I want sex. I tried telling her this is far from the truth and that I wanted her last night because I was attracted to her.
She half heartedly acknowledge this, and changed the subject. The rest of the day has been relatively good. With each other reaching for each other again. We have for the most part, been near each other but doing our own thing. I call it our version of standing on our own while being together.
My only worry is that she may start feeling like she needs outside validation again. I'm not sure how to meet that at this point. All I know is that if I push for sex while she feels inadequate she feels like i dont want her, just sex. This repulsed her, and pushes me back to where we were six months ago.
So laying off, and reshifting my efforts. On the other hand its kinda good to know that this has turned into a ssm issue, not a WAS or MLC. In a weird way it's progress, and maybe just maybe, piecing. I have been superstitious and don't want to jinx it but we may be at a point where we both love each other and want to stay together. We may just need to figure out how to meet each others needs.
Things have been truly great. The last 2 months have been about rediscovering each other and we are definitely stronger for it......
...I later asked her why she was so mad, she replied that she hated when I was so needy, that all I want is sex, and that she feels worthless, because I don't want her I want sex.
...My only worry is that she may start feeling like she needs outside validation again. I'm not sure how to meet that at this point.
....All I know is that if I push for sex while she feels inadequate she feels like i dont want her, just sex. This repulsed her, and pushes me back to where we were six months ago.
So laying off, and reshifting my efforts. On the other hand its kinda good to know that this has turned into a ssm issue, not a WAS or MLC. In a weird way it's progress, and maybe just maybe, piecing. I have been superstitious and don't want to jinx it but we may be at a point where we both love each other and want to stay together. We may just need to figure out how to meet each others needs.
OK a few thoughts.
One of the things I have learned is that my wife needs a lot more rest than I do and that when she is tired she is often "not in the moode for sex."
At those times, when I "need" sex and she is not in the mood, GAL really helps and giving her space. However, I have to be extremely careful in how I give her space as ofter she feels I am "emotionally withdrawing from her." So for me it is a fine line of providing her with unconditional love when she is tired and not in the mood and being "underfoot and pawing at her."
What I have to remind myself is that is a lot better situation than being in an SSM where we didn't have sex for months. In these situations, if I acknowledge that she needs her rest and work with her on some ways so she can get the rest she needs, she usually appreciates my. This is not my trying to create a sex contract with her, but realizing that she needs something she isn't getting and that I may be able to help her in getting what she needs.
Sexual rejection hurts anytime and everytime. But life isn't always easy and we need to roll with the punches. Your GAL and male support system is critical to rolling with the punches.
Stay focuced on the positive aspects of your relationship with your wife. Yes things have improved, you deserve for them to be even better and that too will happen. You are making progress. However, you have scars (as do I) from the past and when the rollercoaster dips, that causes fear about where your relationship is headed. It is at those times that you need your GAL to find your inner strength and happiness.
Again, visualize and verbalize with your wife what a happy marriage is and work toward that. It will take time, but you are making progress. Your understanding of the dynamic between you and your wife is so much greater now than a few months ago.
Good luck
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Mr. Bond, YAH, Yes I do recognize that, but any sort of counseling is out of the question. It certainly hampers things, but it's not a lost cause. I truly believe that the actions of one will affect how the other reacts. I have changed my attitude on a lot of things and it has lead to clear and visible changes in both of us. It would be easy to say you need "anger management counseling". To which the reponse would be a resounding no. Instead I did everything I could to change our communication dynamic, and this worked wonders.
I think the same could be applied here, I want her to realize that my need to ml to her is not about scratching an itch, but about a desire to feel close and intimate. I figure I also need to make her feel desirable, not like I want her because she's the only woman available to me at the moment.
I can't get her to confront herself, and neither can a therapist. I can only set the conditions to allow reflection.
Now because I like tasks lists (you might have noticed from my other posts). Here is what I intend to pursue.
1. Let her know how beautiful I find her without sounding fake.
2. Create sexual tension (the good kind) without coming off as a perv.
3. Communicate my desire for her without coming off as just another horny guy.
4. Continue working out, I can always look more cut :p
5. Show her appreciation for other things besides looks, without sounding fake or like I'm doing it for sex. (I really appreciate all the little things she does, really.)
I'm sure I'll come up with more. I dropped a similar list to ssmguy. I hope this new approach of interacting with her helps.
What I would suggest, based on my experience, is to figure out some daily/weekly rituals that you can try to establish that will make her feel loved in her love languages.
Also, if you can see if you can't establish a daily ritual or two that will allow you to feel loved in your love languages.
John Gottman and his wife suggested 5 hours (later they added some other stuff to make it 5.5 hours) per week of things that would help create a good and strong marriage. Gottman is sort of the King of Marriage/relationship statistical observations.
His suggestions were:
Connect before you leave. Before you and your wife part ways at the beginning of the day, take the time to learn about one thing each of you have planned for the day. Estimated time: 2 minutes per day x 5 working days, totals 10 minutes per week.
Connect when you reunite. At the end of the day, spend at least 20 minutes talking about the things that went on during your day. Chatting at the dinner table or in bed helps you de-stress and reconnect with your partner. Estimated time: 20 minutes per day x 5 working days, totals 1 hour, 40 minutes per week
Admire and appreciate. Every day, find ways to tell your wife that you love her and appreciate all that she does for you. Be specific. Don’t just say that she’s wonderful; tell her how beautiful she is, how she lights up a room, how her meatloaf is a little slice of heaven on earth, ect. Estimated time: 5 minutes per day x 7 days, totals 35 minutes per week.
Initiate affection. When you were dating, you were all over each other. If you want to bring back some of that magic, that you need to start being more intimate with one another. Cuddle, kiss, hold hands, spoon, and so on. The more time you spend touching, the happier your marriage will be. Estimated time: 5 minutes per day x 7 days, totals 35 minutes per week.
Go on a weekly date. Establish that you will go out on one date a week, and make this a non-negotiable commitment. If you have kids, get a babysitter. This is time for just you and your wife. The date doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive. But it needs to provide time for you two to talk, so a movie alone won’t cut it. Discuss what happened that week and your plans, hopes, and dreams for your future together.
They are good basic kinds of rituals, but if you can taylor "your" rituals to match your wife's love languages, that is even better, as she will feel even more loved and in love with you.
Good luck.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Have the two of you ever thought about sex counseling? I mean since the very beginning it seems every conflict you have is about sex.
and one other thing, her anger. She comes up with reasons to reject you AND be mad at you for it.
Let's review the evening. You expressed a need that is both natural and loving (I mean, did you storm up to her and say "I'm HORNY SO PUT OUT!"??...I doubt it.)
So YOU were rejected by her but SHE leaves for the couch (rejecting you some more) and the SHE is mad at you and SHE gets to feel mistreated by you... The manipulation is amazing and NOT NEW... (Can't believe I never got to do this--not with sex- but as a kid I could have stolen and then said I "needed" it and they were wrong to deny me and then pout and demand an apology from my parents for not providing enough for me....
hey, the analogy might be flawed but the point remains, GB, see thru this!
My young soldier friend, you deserve so much more than this!
I'm a big believer in m, but this treatment is not, imo, likely to lead to a long OR happy one.
see through the manipulations, GB. See them for what they are.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
