What was I an idiot? Of course there's an OM...

[workinghardguy]

Thanks TM and JB for the kind words. It's been a tough day and morning. Still processing I think. TM, you're completely right that I can't have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional partner... that's part of how we got here, as I attempted to compensate instead of calling her on her behaviors.

I think of our talk yesterday where she used an example of when we would go to Florida each year. We'd go as part of an all week conference for my job. She'd have the days to herself while I was at the conference and then go out at night. In our talk she pointed out that most nights in Florida we were back at the hotel by 9 or 10pm and in bed by midnight. We weren't out until 2am or closing down the bars. I validated that... pointed out she could've asked to go out and I would've tried it. Maybe liked it.

But then this morning I also though, wait a minute... I was at a conference. With people from around the country who know me and know my boss. I can't show up hungover or worse yet just screw around and sleep through it... it's bad for my employment and just not right. At the same time, could we have done one night or two nights of craziness... yes, we could've. Ah whatever... Guess I'm all over the map.

I'm working on the emotional distance thing. If nothing else her resoluteness is helping in that. I found myself thinking this morning of the upsides... less bills, less stress, way more disposable income for me, and not being tied to her rollercoaster life. The hard part is then I immediately think of the downsides too of not tucking my S in every night, not reading to him every night, and losing time with him. That's where I lose it.

As far as the acting... thankfully I'm a pretty good actor... until a few years ago I was even in a local acting troupe So I have that going for me I guess.

My heart tells me perhaps there's still a chance. Maybe if she gets C it will help. Both of my C have told me the med she is on, Wellbutrin, has a terrible track record for helping people maintain R's. So maybe if she gets help that can be addressed.

But my head is telling me that this if we ever recon it won't be until after we've been apart for some time. So I'm working on forcing myself to face that reality and deal with it. Without breaking down every time.

The support is great... thanks everyone.