Another crisis.....but H opening up now

[adinva]

Hi Angel - catching up on your situation, hope all is well. You're lucky to have a H intent on staying in the M, for whatever reasons he has. Your changes will change the dynamic in the marriage ("Dance of Anger" talks about that).

What are your changes? You mentioned struggling with getting them from mind to heart and that they were deeply ingrained habits you were trying to change, but what exactly have you changed to make marriage to you better than it was before?

I am also trying to change deep-seated patterns of behavior. I thought I was very highly functioning, but since the bomb I learned some unpleasant truths about myself and I'm working on creating real change in myself, with great difficulty. I read above about the "change sandwich" which is a helpful illustration but abstract. When you asked, above, "But again, those of you who have successfully turned your lives around: How did you do it? How long did it take? How did you change even just one aspect of your behaviour that has been ingrained in your psyche since you were born, just because you realize that it is not the right thing?" I had some thoughts from what I'm experiencing.

Start small and start concrete. I had an extreme oppositional streak and had turned my relationship with my H into a 13-y-o and dad kind of power struggle. So I negotiated with H a reasonable frequency for something I could do that he'd asked me to do, made a repeating calendar entry, and started getting it done. It was picking up dog poop. I mastered it, felt good about it, and kept it up while looking for something a little higher-level to chip away at. If I let it slide from Monday to Wednesday one week, I didn't think I failed, I just got back on the wagon and kept trying. Don't think of tackling everything at once, and don't worry about changing whole aspects of your personality, just modify little actions. I have much more awareness of what I want in my mind and relationships than simply being a person who picks up dog poop - but I started small and concrete. It actually helped that it was something I could giggle and feel the absurdity of, because though it represented a greater truth about my personality it was easier to modify cheerfully because it was kind of silly.

When you ask how long does it take to maintain it, the answer is one day. Then the next one. Then the next. Don't overwhelm yourself with the years stretching out before you.

When you wonder if you can stay your whole life in a celibate marriage, don't. Just stay this day, and then the next. When your changes change the dynamic in your marriage, maybe your H will want to ML. Don't pressure him with thinking about celibate years stretching before you.

BTW I'm with you on that one. I haven't been approached by my H since about February if not before, and it may be the longest I've gone without since I lost my virginity. I'm not too happy about it but I'm trying to solve one problem at a time.

Keep posting how you're doing!