What was I an idiot? Of course there's an OM...

[Telemark]

WHG,

I was reading your latest post and shaking my head...because it is nearly identical to my own situation; the only real difference is that my W is not the party-until-the-wee-hours type. But the comments - the lack of trust, not wishing to be married to anyone, the built-up resentment and suspicion of our changes - same script.

You are in a little better position in that you have already recognized the fatal danger of snooping. I continued that behavior and it eventually put the nail in the coffin. After admitting her EA with an old HS boyfriend, who lived 1700 miles away, my W promised to go NC with him...3 times. Each time it would last a week or two, then she would be back to the EA. And each time I would continue to check her e-mails, cell phone, etc. She is now living with the OM, who moved all 1700 miles to live with her.

The best advice I can offer is to completely - COMPLETELY - leave her EA/PA/whatever it may be, alone. Because there is absolutely nothing you can do about it or her. That goes against every instinct, I know...we want to take charge of the situation, demand that our WAS's honor their vows, not use us as plan B and act with some moral integrity. To not confront the EA/PA and reclaim what is rightfully ours (our marriage) makes us feel weak and pathetic. We want to fight for our marriages,damn it! But as you already know, WAS's are not thinking with any kind of logic or rationale.

You can't have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional partner.

If you truly want to save your marriage - and I see it is the 2nd for both of you, so the "odds" are already against you - you need to put as much emotional distance between you and your W as possible, which is almost impossible when you are under the same roof (again, I speak from experience). If you are not a good actor, you will learn to be, because every word, every action, every emotion you show will be analyzed by your W to justify her actions. Do not give her reasons to say, "See? He was mean/controlling/weak/ or ____________, and I just had to leave."
And that still does not guarantee she will not leave anyway.

But even if that does happen you will know you did everything you could, with honesty, integrity and love - to save things.