What was I an idiot? Of course there's an OM...

[workinghardguy]

Good gravy what a day. I guess I don't really know how I feel right now it's been such a day. I think I'm just sort of numb right now.

So the morning started with the OM thing. Since I'd already done the snooping, I went all in and did more research. I don't think it's active or on-going. I just can't find any evidence in phone calls, messages, etc... Not even an EA... I mean how do you have an EA if you haven't talked or messaged in weeks? Maybe there were some feelings, some shared time, maybe even sex but nothing now.

Ok... so spent the morning dealing with that and trying to put it in its place. Went to church with my S and had to step out a few times to get myself together. After church my mom offered to take us out for lunch and then buy S some clothes. Kept me away from the house so we went. Wish I'd been better company, especially for my S. Not very PMA today.

Wife finally called me as we were almost home. Though she did call me. She had finally woken up after getting home at 4am. My mom gave me the hard press today about my W. I haven't shared our issues with my mom, but she sees my W's FB feed. She sees the drinking stories and photos. She pointed out that every other weekend for the past two months my W has been out binge drinking. And she's right... guess I hadn't done the math.

So late afternoon my W gets a call asking her to go with some friends to a town two hours away for a music thing. Her going would mean she gets home at 2am (she has to leave for work at 6am), I have to pick up SS and SD, and then I have to answer (yet again) why mom isn't home and deal with the hurt feelings and let down. So I decide that I've had enough. I go upstairs and ask to talk.

So I know R talk is a no-no, at the same time I'm trying to balance no-R talk against setting boundaries and getting needs met. I tell her my concerns about her going and the SS/SD pickup. She gets angry, telling me that she a) she wasn't going to go and b) if she had gone she was already planning to have her sister pick up the SS/SD so that she didn't have to use me. However, I point out that this still doesn't solve the issue of how the SS/SD feel. I don't care about being the taxi... that's minor, it's that they get home, mom is gone, and I have to soothe them. Which, not being their dad or mom, is a tough call for me. I will do it, because they need it, but to do it so mom can go on yet another music and drinking adventure is not okay with me.

She says she understands and then this launches a full-on R talk. We rehash some of what we've been over, and then she drops the mini-bomb that she has a date in mind. By June of next year we will be apart. Divorced or separated she doesn't know, but by June we will be apart. And we will have our debts paid off too... ok, so that part is yet to be seen.

Then we go through a new list:
- She wants a R after the split. She wants it to be positive and us to be friends. She wants me to feel comfortable coming over and putting my S to bed and sharing time with SS/SD.
- She does not want to be married - to anyone. She wants to be on her own until she gets her mess of psych issues figured out.
- She says that she has all this welled up resentment. Years worth of feeling that I bought her love or manipulated her into loving me. This was the only item I did not own, pushed back on, and showed anger/emotion. This is BS IMO and I told her that. And I added that if anyone was manipulated it was me who took care of the family and got my mom to sign on to a $40,000 loan so she could go to nursing school for two year. Really? Who took advantage of whom?
- She wants counseling and wants to start soon. She says that she feels she can trust absolutely no one. And this is part of our core issue I believe - after all, how can you bond with your spouse if you don't trust him/her? And no matter what they do you will never trust them because you have abandonment and trust issues?
- She hates it where SS and my relationship has gone over the years. She wishes I had realized how sour it had gotten sooner. I counter that I wish she had said something any time over the past few years. She replies that she was too chicken and her security needs didn't allow her to say anything critical.
- She sees my changes and admires them, but feels they are only being done to save an already failed marriage. I tell her they originally were done to save the marriage, but since then they have grown into doing it because I know they need to be done.
- She says she can forgive the past issues, but knows in her heart that she can never love me again because of her built up resentment.

So all of that sucked a lot and hurt a lot. Not a ton of new stuff, but painful and what's hard is she is so certain. I know, I know... WAS show certainty because it's where they are. I know that June is a long way away and lots can happen in that time. But it's still hard to be told this. To have a date and know there's finite time.

This talk led to discussion of some specifics. We talked about our house which is a very messy situation. Messier than I think she realized; so I left her with much to think about there. We talked about custody and I made it very clear I would demand/expect at least 50/50. We talked about money... she hasn't run any numbers yet but knows it will be hard. I've run the numbers, it will be extremely hard I don't think she gets that fully yet.

And that fundamentally we're not compatible. That she's a party until early in the morning girl and I'm not. Not that she's ever asked us to party until early in the morning, nor have I offered either.

I'm just so angry and frustrated right now. It's like the changes make no dent, no sway from her path. We talked about her meds tonight too and I never realized that she started her meds one month before the bomb. That a week before the bomb she was having severe suicidal ideations. That she still has death thoughts at least twice a week.

I just feel so lost. At the same time I feel like I can start to detach. I can't do anything for her. She feels she has a path she must follow. No matter that this path will tear apart a family, hurt three kids, and impact their lives for years... she is just determined.

I have to detach and stop riding this ride. I have to work on me and ready myself for June should that come to pass. To be the healthy one in this R and provide support for my S and as best i can for SS/SD who I care about deeply.

And I know all that... but yet I can't seem to stop crying tonight.

We went to bed on good terms... we talked and had good conversation even though the Brewers are going to fall short of the World Series.

Just wish this insanity would stop.