Yep.........I'm still here

[Valeska19]

It's been one of *those* days today.
I guess I'm still beating myself up for being such a coward yesterday.

You chose to avoid a situation that you KNEW would be painful for BOTH you and your son. How is that being a coward? Sounds like a pretty loving move instead.

I'm seriously beginning to doubt that DR & DB actually work. Yes they are both good books and I have learned from both of them, but I feel it is deceiving to think you can save your M just by reading the books.

Well as you know.. DR & DB are to save YOU first.. maybe M. I completely understand your frustration because some of DBing includes interactions with your H.. which you don't have.

It's a hard pill to swallow when it you hope it affects your m and it isn't.

Are you happy with how DBing, DRing are affecting you as a person? As a potential mate?

I want to stop hurting. I don't want my heart to feel broken anymore. I have a friend who tells me that once I file D paperwork that I will start to heal. I fail to see how a piece of paper is going to make me feel one way or the other.

Well I don't think it will stop you from hurting.. but I suppose it can heal. I know if/when my D finalizes.. my w and I will have no contact. Does that hurt - absolutely.. however am Ilooking forward to not stressing about my sitch or opening up wounds when I see her - absolutely.

However the question is - can I do the latter w/o the D?

I miss my H. A LOT. When I get into these funks I tend to start thinking about the past and all the mistakes I made and took for granted and I get very p*ssed off at myself. How could I have been such a heartless b*tch?

That's stinkin thinkin. Look we all make mistakes.. and we all have to live with the consequences of those mistakes.

Did your flaws contribute negatively to the marriage - sure.. Did you single handily destroy your marriage - doubtful.

It takes TWO destroy and rebuild a marriage. Own your part but don't beat yourself over it.

Forgive yourself DG. When you feel those thoughts, that's the old DG hanging on. Look at yourself in the mirror and say "You know what.. I'm not that woman any more. She doesn't get to control me!

I no longer buy the "everything happens for a reason" BS.
Sh*tty things happen because sometimes life is sh*tty. Eventually you deal with what has been handed to you and make a new normal for yourself.
I don't believe God intended for me to have a sh*tty childhood, nor does he intend for all the other awful things in the world to happen. It is what it is and that's that.

No he didn't but I do believe God allows things to happen in our lives to become better people.

((((((( ))))))))) Hang in there lady. You're making great process. Don't let yesterday take that away from you!

[In_Shock]

DG don't beat yourself up for being anything and pushing him away--- As people keep telling me, as I talk to anyone in the Western Hemisphere who will listen..."it takes two to make a R fail." Cliche' but it is true. And I know it doesn't make you feel any better. Honestly, when I am doing the pity party, I cannot think of ONE thing that would get me out of it, except for W to reconcile with me.

We have to ride those days out. Getting Bridesmaids was a great idea! Comedies help me somewhat. I said on my thread that I've watched the first two seasons of Big Bang Theory. I laughed out loud a couple of times and was surprised

Thinking of you

[~¤DG¤~]

Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone in this, even when I feel like I am at times.

Maybe filing for a D would help me heal, I just don't want to though, I really don't.

These 8 months apart have been very hard, and I sometimes wonder if we'd even be able to save our M.
We are probably both different people now. At least I know I am.

[~ kd ~]

Hate to read you feeling so down, DG...

A D will not make you feel better... when I read some of the people who have just gone through it or some who are here still contributing after their own Ds... I'm convinced the paper nor the act makes one feel better...

It's how we conduct ourselves and our good thoughts about ourselves and our own value that makes us feel better...

For me, I'm in no rush, but I will be the one to file D... but I already feel much better about myself... I felt good about myself BEFORE I actually made the commitment to myself to file...

IOW, I make the choice to file not out of anger or some belief that it will SAVE me... I file because my M is over... for me...

[~¤DG¤~]

I received a text from H a bit ago that said

"Do you want to file together or should I file alone?"

I seriously thought I was going to throw up.
I thought about it for a while, and I said

"If a D is truly what you want, then go ahead and file. I will not file for something I do not want."

I feel so defeated right now.

[~ kd ~]

It stand to reason, the longer we stand... the more likely the chances are that we will R... or that we will D...

That is just one moment in time, DG... just words... and IF he files... it will JUST be a piece of paper...

Take a moment to take care of your immediate, emotional wound and then get up and move forward...

That is the task of the LBS... that, and working on the idea that after everything is said and done, we might be D and we need to be confident moving on with our lives...

{{{DG}}}

[~¤DG¤~]

KD-

I appreciate the support.
I guess right now I feel like nothing is going to ever be ok again.

[any chance?]

DG:
Sorry for your pain. Take a deep breath and try to make it through the rest of the day. Tomorrow is a new day. I completely understand where you are coming from - I am in the same place. We will make it through this dark time, of that you can be certain. I know it does not feel like it right now, but you will make it through. Be strong, and have faith in yourself.

[jbnati]

DG, I am so sorry you are in such a dark place right now. Sending hugs your way ((()))

I agree with pretty much everything Val said earlier.

Regardless of what happens, you have grown tremendously in a way you never would have done if you hadn't gone through this junk!
Your H has not done the same at all.

I think you told your H in your text exactly where you are.

[Telemark]

I'm sorry you've hit this part of your R, DG. It feels like one more nail, I know; I had a similar situation this past Friday when W was at my house for a cup of coffee. We talked, laughed, had a warm interaction just like old times...and then she asked when we would start mediation.

We can't stop the runaway train. We can't change the past. I know what you mean about replaying in our heads all the wrongs we inflicted on our S's. But we can't own all of the problems; it always takes two to create or tear down a marriage.

You have used a very painful situation to become a better person. Your H has not. You have looked inside yourself and taken out the trash. Your H has not. When you reach a point where you might consider another R with someone you will be well-equipped to have a healthy, loving and stable R. Your H will not.

This has been the most painful situation we have experienced, but I would rather be us than our WAS's.