Sounds like she never was in this West. And now she is blaming you for her choices and unhappiness.
I'm starting to see this now. If she had really wanted our M to work, she would have fought for it much harder and much longer than she did. It's weird because she used to put a lot of effort into trying to repair us. As soon as we got married, all of that effort turned into the belief that I should be the one to do ALL of the work. So unfair...
Originally Posted By: Gritter
Have you onwed everything you did or did not do in this M? Not what she is telling you. What you know you should have done to commit to and grow your M?
Yes. Every time I pray, I readily realize the things that I wish that I would have done differently in my M. I take full responsibility for those things. I can see why being with me was at times hurtful and difficult. I'm no saint. I had my share of issues.
Originally Posted By: Gritter
She is trying to blame you for the failure of something she had no investment in. Sure she'll hang around for the upside but she's not going to get dirty helping you make it work. Why would you accept less from someone than you are committed to giving yourself?
And here I thought I was the one failing HER. No, she just quit when she realized that marriage was not a fantasy carriage ride through the land of unicorns and sprites but a hard slog through some muddy, swampy terrain every now and again. It's something that takes WORK. I have no doubt that whatever R she is in now or later on will find itself in the same pattern. Something will always be too wrong to tolerate for much longer. After all, if OM is so perfect, why does it scare her so much to have me exit stage left?
Originally Posted By: Gritter
Did she stay because she pitied you?
I'm starting to really wonder why she stayed at all. She told me that it was because she only wanted children and because she didn't want to devastate her parents. I'm thinking that maybe she thought that she SHOULD have, for all intents and purposes, wanted to be with me but just didn't feel like it for whatever reason. It HAD to be something wrong with me. Couldn't be anything wrong with her. (Although sometimes she did admit in moments of depression, "Sometimes I think that I wouldn't be happy with anyone.")
Originally Posted By: Gritter
Is this someone you can count on to be your partner? Do you think she has the ability to do this for someone? Not just you anyone? She has issues to deal with in her PTSD and unfortunately this inability for empathy (not sympathy) and giving of oneself to a partnership like a M is part of it IMO. It is not your responsibility to be the band aid to all her insecurities and emotional whims so don't fall for the selfish trap.
Today has been devastating because I have been slowly coming to terms with this reality. I really don't want to believe that she could never be my partner in life ever again because I do love and miss who she used to be like hell. Let's face it, the woman that I used to love may be long gone.
She no longer harbors any respect or empathy for me. She thinks that she wants to be "friends" with me, but really, I see it only as using me as her various "band-aids." Whatever OM doesn't provide, I will. If things with OM don't work out, then I'm the one to fall back on. The way she seems to view my role in her life sickens me.
I talked to both my dad and sister today about this conversation (minus the OM stuff). Both saw it as a complete and utter power play on her part. Dad pointed out that she really doesn't have much of a case with the legal stuff. Why would her lawyer bother with several thousand dollars worth of furniture? Plus, W herself stupidly pointed out that she and OM have no money, so it's not like she could hire him. She's just throwing out whatever crap she can to scare me back. I'm tired to kow-towing to stuff like that.
Both sister and her friend said, "This visit had nothing to do with the rabbit." Of course I knew that. As soon as she walked in, she saw the rabbit for less than two minutes, then went straight to me... It's all a power game for her...
I really don't want to bring out the wrath in her, but she's leaving me no choice. If she is choosing to see my "space" as a bad thing, then maybe she should have made some better choices than she has. If she chooses to see this as "selfish," then I can't do anything about that. It's her problem now, not mine.
I've been thinking today that the thing that hurts me the worst about having to cut her out of my life is her family. I love them to death and really miss being their SIL/BIL/GIL. I think that her bit about them being "hurt" that I haven't been involved in their lives anymore was probably an outright lie. I hope that they know that this has nothing to do with them, and I hope that they feel that I'm doing the right thing given the sitch.
Even though W told me not to contact them, I'm thinking about stopping by and maybe having a final convo with them to make sure that they understand that this is nothing personal. I sent that e-mail to them, but I just don't think that it's enough. They deserve more after being a second family to me for years.
