Seeking answers - thank you again for your wonderful reply. It means the world to me at a time when I am really on my own.
PTSD has been mentioned by some professionals and by freinds and family. My W is massively defensive about this and regards any speculation, advise offered, or caring as a conspiracy. It is very difficult to speak to her about it and her pushback is about as angry as anyone can get. There is a history of psyche issues in her family and some members were even hospitalized for a time, but she really believes that this has no bearing on her situation and she tells me her psychiatrist does not think she is bipolar or anything like that, which some of her family are. She tells me her psychiatrist has not made any particular diagnosis and this really frustrates her because she can't seem to make any headway, nor feel better about her life at all. I am not sure of her psychiatrist as to how effective he is, but due to confidentiality I have only what my W tells me.
As far as the molestation goes, she has an idea of who it may have been and has told me who. I suspect she could be correct. Her memories are pretty vague though, but she does remember the strength and depth of the horrible feelings about it. Believe me, I have been the recipient of all the symptoms of someone who has had this trauma, as well as her being stuck at age 8 mentally from when her Dad died. She has frankly admitted all of this as part of what is going on now, but as time goes on she downplays her childhood trauma and places the blame for her unhappiness more on me. She does tell me what her negative feelings are, and I have looked long and hard at my actions and feel that she is really not justified. For example, she will see my unhappiness and her not trusting me as a reason for her feeling bad about us but will not discuss what is behind it all. So basically I get told over and over about her bad feelings but she will not discuss any issue in depth. If I try to reason, it pushes her further away. It's tough because I don't want to agree with her when its not justified and if I keep quiet she feels that she is right and we are not compatible, but if I try to talk about it she says this is evidence that we can't get along. So, my listening to her with the focus on her, as well as my talking it out both bring about a negative reaction.
My W does have a career outside of the home which she took up again after years at home with the kids. She enjoys it and is very good at it. As far as her role at home, she has pretty much checked out. She is not contributing and spends almost all of her time in the room she is staying in, and most of that time on the phone with my cousin, an EA. My sons are so angry at her and want me to make her leave. I don't know what is the best answer, but I do think that her being in the safety of our home is still the best. I know however that she does not wan to have to answer to anybody and wishes she could be alone. Our economic situation prevents me from supporting two residences if she were to find her own place, and would be very hard for me to support my own house on my own as a single Dad.
She really is very depressed, sad, confused and cannot find peace or answers right now. It is best for me to stay out her way completely because she reacts negatively to me in every way. She is fair though and does say I should do whatever I have to do to be happy. The problem is that when I make moves to GAL, she becomes very untrusting, and there is no real reaon to, yet if I am around too much it is pressure on her.
Thank you so much for your input! You are very kind and this really helps!
