Last night my s broke down, first real time since she dropped the bomb on june 20th. Her mom and her brother were in town, to say goodbye to her and me. They had a few glasses of wine and margaritas, and as everyone left, and I was passing by her bedroom, I looked in and saw her crying. Even as I right this Ifeel like crying. I felt terrible for her. I sat down on the bed next to her and just rubbed her back and held her. She said that everything was finally hitting her. If you have read my sitch, you will know that she is leaving next friday, left her job of 19 years, and is moving in with her sister in another state.
We had a pretty good talk, and it was the first time since right after she dropped the bomb that I have seen her show some uncertainty, or at least deep remorse for what is about to occur. Thoughout this ordeal, we have both gone to great lengths to keep our relationship cordial, friendly, and supportive.
Last night she kept saying how hard leaving is going to be for her. It is the hardest thing she has ever done. We have been together through 13 years of mostly great times. She said she was never miserable, but was unhappy many times. I told her I was always happy to be her husband, that I used to love coming home at the end of a day knowing that she was there and that I had someone who loved me. I said I was always content being her spouse. She said I deserve more than contentment, and I told her she was assuming what I wanted. She said that she had love for me now, and deeply respected me, which is why she stayed in our marriage as long as she has, but that she fell out of love with me sometime within the last 13 years. She says she is really going to miss me, and feels terrible about how things are turning out, she never thought we would be ending like this.
It was a very poingent and very sad moment. This is the first time I have seen a crack in her exterior, which she said she apologized for but that she had to be in "business mode" in order to get through the last few months.
What can you say when someone tells you that they think the world of you, know you are a good man, believes you have been there for them and would do anything for them, but also says that they are not in love with you.
She says that she is not afraid of moving, she will be with her friends and family whom she is very close to, but that she will miss what she is leaving behind, she will miss the life that we planned, traveling, seeing country, etc. She kept repeating how sorry she is. I told her that I wish she could have at least remained in NJ so that I could see my dog once in a while, but she said there was nothing here for her in NJ, there was no connection, and that she had connections in Ohio. I told her that I realize this is very hard for her, and that while I do not like her decision and am very hurt by it, I respect her right to live her life.
For those who have gone through this, what do I make of this? We are not formally sep and div is still months down the road. I am fully aware that she must leave for her own peace of mind. I have pretty much accepted that m is over, I am partaking in GAL activities as much as possible. I am also hoping that someday she and I can be friends, but am having high anxiety because she is leaving out of state. Any thougts anyone? Sorry for the length, but I know that at one time or another, almost everyone on this board has been where I am now. Any words of encouragement, thoughts would be greatly appreciated!! Thanks very much!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
