new to this..

[25yearsmlc]

here is what I posted to you on your first thread...please read it again b/c I still need the questions I asked, answered. So do you.

Also can you try to write in shorter paragraphs? Just easier to read.

Here is my first post to you from the "piecing" forum...

Learning2

fyi since this is the "Piecing" forum, (for marriages piecing back together) it's unfortunately probably not the right place to post yet, but there are other reasons the delays happen in seeing your posts.

Is the delay what bothered you? It's a long wait when you start out, and you can read about the "moderator's" info on this site so you can better understand it. I'd suggest newcomers forum for now but keep the name and then just have one thread so we can find you.

You wrote:

Not sure if this is the right thread to post on but here goes..I have been married for 11 years, 2 children (one from previous marriage) My H said he wanted d two months ago and we separated. He has said this in the past but never left.



SO this time he left and is living elsewhere, correct?

What are his SPECIFIC complaints about marriage to you? I hear that there are financial problems (join the club and divorce NEVER helps money problems) but what is it he says about YOU?

That's where we can start b/c you can only control YOU.

You also wrote:

He texts me that the relationship is over, and I will survive, he has made his decision and will live with it, but then says he is not mentally right, right now, says he is in a dark place. says he was miserable, unhappy and sad....
We have had financial issues for the last few years which he is not used to.



Does he believe divorce will help this or does he make any connection at all? IOW is he just complaining in general or does he believe YOU are the financial problem?

you also wrote:

When we talk on the phone he says he is not ready to call it quits and doesnt want to make a rash decision.

Okay...so don't push him towards a decision then. This is VERY early in the process.
Your other concerns center around how he seems possibly to have deserted your oldest child b/c he's not related by blood, correct? You said h seems lost in that particular r....


Meaning he's deserting the oldest? Or doesn't know? Or what? And does the oldest have a r with their biological father? Invite that in more if you can.

NO kid needs to feel abandoned by two dads...which also leads me to tell you that YOU must be present for your kids now more than ever.

Don't fall apart, at least not in front of them or your h. Stay strong and figure this out. Do you have the Div Busting or Divorce Remedy books? Get them asap and read them...the DR one is a bit better I think. Please, read that asap so this site can help you the most.

you said:


I really dont know where to start. at first i begged and he just was cruel via text message, but face to face he was more optimistic. now I dont contact him unless to do with visitation of our d. He is also Step dad to my oldest which he seems lost as to what to do there.

I am so confused, i do not want a d, I didnt know this in the beigining but I know I want to work this out.



get the book and read all you can. Read the threads here. I'd say you should aim your search at the depression threads or chapters, and the midllife crisis parts, and the WalkAway Husbands...but don't get bogged down in whether this is a mid life crisis or he's a walkway h, b/c they call for pretty much the same course of action from YOU. And too much time is wasted on diagnosing the Walk away spouse instead of working on YOU, the LBS...

And btw why'd your first marriage end? Where's the bio dad for your first child? Has this h been a good dad before all this?

And what do YOU think the issues in this marriage are?

Why'd he want to leave before, and why didn't he?

What event, if any, triggered him leaving this time, and what did HE SAY at the time?
[color:#CC0000]
Bottom line and this is KEY for you to grasp....asap...is that

HE will have to believe marriage to you now and from this day forward

can be different and better than before.

That requires change on YOUR END...so, what are YOU doing to work on YOU and being the best partner YOU can be.

The good news is you DO have control over YOU...so you can work on that.

I know you're hurt and probably angry and for good reason.

But this site is about finding solutions that help you to save your marriage. It's "solution based" so even though you can and should come here to vent,

also remember to do what helps the marriage, and NOT what hurts it. Simple enough but not easy.

Losing your temper hurts it. Helps no one, except maybe you for 23 seconds...

when we have more info we'll be better able to help you.

good luck!


[/color]