Those who just dropped in might want to check out the last few posts of "Still Chooses..". There's been a flurry of activity on my part as I have attempted to process things in the wake of the last convo that I had with my W.
Basically, my very last post indicated that I was questioning the validity of our M. My W expressed doubt about us directly before and after the wedding. As time wore on, her unhappiness continued, both of us unsure of how to change things or make it better. Then disaster struck. Now she's convinced that things could only be great if she can pursue OM but still have me as a close friend. (During our big convo, W called my darkness an attempt to act as though "the last six years of our R didn't happen.")
The thing is, it wasn't always this way. As I was praying to God for answers, I was suddenly hit by one. I remembered the "Marriage Map" that Michele provided in DR. Those who have read it will remember that MWD details the evolution of an M, going from blissful heights to several periods of disillusion to the wondrous time of acceptance and long-last happiness.
I feel that the Map applies to us because my W and I were married in spirit long before the actual ceremony. For the first year, we simply dated. Then I moved to another state and lived with her while the two of us went through school. Things were just as serious as an actual marriage. At this point, we realized that we loved each other very much and would end up marrying each other. My W even moved our marriage date from 2011 to 2009, proving that she was not always so unsure about us.
We had our struggles, of course. I had my past and mental issues to deal with, and so did she. Still, our love shone through it all. I remember these years as being the happiest. I have many fond memories of our life at that point shared between us. I also have many e-mails sent from her to me that prove that she, too, was very happy with me.
Then, as soon as the wedding came, I feel that the "disllusion" phase set in. It wasn't that our problems suddenly got worse. I think that my W simply got freaked out by the permanency of it all. We weren't just "partners" anymore (we didn't like calling each other "BF/GF" given our seriousness); we were FOREVER. And I think that really shook her...
Just because she expressed doubts about us before and after the wedding didn't mean that we were a mistake. It may have had much more to do with her own fears and insecurities about marriage and commitment.
I still firmly believe that if she didn't know how to resolve our problems, she could have done something other than have an A. We could have gone to counseling...she could have bought books on the subject...she could have done anything except give up and leave....
(Sorry to go on so much today, but it is helping me to do this. Thoughts or comments are welcome, but I understand that I may be on my own journey with this.)
