alcoholic H decided he wants D

[imthemom]

Thanks Danl...a appreciate the insight, i have tried to understand were he is comeing from for years regarding the drinking and you have helped a lot with that!
for some reason your post did not show up and just found it this morning, at the exact time i needed to...his behavior is confusing to me right now, not anything it has ever been before or since he has stopped drinking so it was very helpfull..thanks for the encouragment..

[imthemom]

so this is just for the sake of getting it out before i stuff it again..
Up for hours this morning, my fave time since the house is quiet and boys still asleep. The time when I do the best thinking....am having major insights about myself as usual..
I was raised by a single mother (six of us kids) my "father" left when I was 2 and never came back, know nothing about him other then he was not a good person and is dead now.
I have always had major anxiety with men leaving..and by men i mean any man, boyfriend, husband,son, male boss..you name it, i take it very personal. In my marriage it could be as simple as H going to work. I would never say anything but just kind of felt it and thought I was crazy. the same with rejection (which NOBODY likes) but if I asked if H wanted to go to dinner and got a no,(which was a given because he was always drinking) i would take it as a person rejection to me and be miserable!!...I have always dismissed the whole issue even in therapy and refused to except that it was a problem because how cliche is that???? really?? Its so typical and obviouse that it could not apply to me because obviousely I am so special that a typical thing like that could not apply to ME!!....
I know this sounds crazy but I have had this huge realization this morning that this has obviousely effected a great many things in my life....just working on me and feeling like Ive made a break threw in a lot of ways..so there it is, in writing, for everyone to see....I have daddy issues....good lord!!!
feel like a pat on the back is in order for that

[Danl]

Thanks Danl...a appreciate the insight, i have tried to understand were he is comeing from for years

So has he

regarding the drinking and you have helped a lot with that!
Thanks, I hope so. I've paid passionately for that knowledge.

Please don't underestimate the the power of certain things that are so seemingly insignificant. Like an inordinate identification with whichever recovery tool--> it's a dissociation; that is to say, the effect is something like "who the heck am I these days anyhow? Seems like the things that make me - me are distant and disconcerting.. maybe I need to shed some of that me.. maybe that's how I keep wrecking this train.. seems like some light ahead of me; but the past (all I can recall of it) __ is mostly dark and incredibly painful The cure can be as bad/worse than the disease.. as they say.

[it is NOT a disease. Has no etiliogy..] the genetic studies remain all but irrelevant: mutated alleles (DNA ) in an etoh (ethyl alcohol) metabolic pathway do not extrapolate to the asserted behaviors..

ie, how well/poorly I metabolize alcohol doesn't make me a drunk one way or the other. One guy gets drunker faster and stays sicker longer due to an inefficient metabolism..

the other guy can 'drink all night' and [seemingly] function well otherwise... neither guy is necessarily a drunk because of his metabolism {those kinds of studies would cost beau-coup bucks, span generations over decades from different control groups arising in different environments around the world, different ethnicities, ages, sex, social & medical histories and so on, and so on, and..

It's much easier to say [and continue writing grants] when too much is made of certain DNA studies and just say, "you have a genetic disease.. which is a subtle and malevolent paradox.. it allows me to dis-connect from the moral responsibility. (diseases are a-moral)..

in effect --> "don't blame me, I was born this way..[maybe it's God's fault]"

On the other hand, the model is appropriate: 'it' is syndromal (runs together with other disease and exacerbates), gives rise to underlying disease (potentiates) disease, it is toxic; kills cells upon contact, water soluble.. attaches an etoh molecule to every water molecule.. [does not completely cook out of a dish as long as water molecules are present] and invades almost ALL tissues because of that solubility, true DT's can be morbid are treated medically as such


for some reason your post did not show up and just found it this morning, at the exact time i needed to...his behavior is confusing to me right now, not anything it has ever been before or since he has stopped drinking so it was very helpfull..thanks for the encouragment..

AA is a good tool; but a tool can injure a person.. even badly. It's a codified behavioral system.. think 12 steps/Ten Commandments..

or "step on a crack, break your mother's back" or little one, "please do not put your fingers in the fan" .. see what I mean? eventually, the child WILL put their fingers in the fan.

[from a Christian perspective, the Ten Commandments were given to show our utter inability to keep from breaking even a seemingly simple set of moral codes of behavior... thus we have DIRE NEED of a Saviour:{not more Law..} We need free unmerited favor of God.. Grace

In effect, "That's ok kiddo; you are as bad as {and actually much worse than you can know}.. but [b]FEAR NOT My love for you is permanent and indestructible: Not even you can separate my love for you.. you can neither earn it nor lose it.. it is permanent {eternal}

Consider detaching from a strange beast called alcoholism .. not it's willing 'victim'. He wants you on the peripheral awareness of his drunkeness anyhow. His self-respect, dignity, sense of wholeness, self-worth as a man, husband, dad, brother, employee, friend.. everything's on the table... and it's private.. he doesn't want his wife to think of him as a crippled drunk..{neither should he}

those conversations have different context in my marriage as compared to that in a roomful of drunken dope-fiends... bduh.. but it can be incredibly confusing since 'I can't seem to find my b utt with either hand these days'..

he doesn't want to bring 'the room' home with him.. but if he's too strongly associating his identity with AA or any other.. the point is moot.

You said you had a daddy complex. So do I. I miss my ol' man 'bout every day..

someone said, 'Inside the chest of every lion-hearted man beats the heart of child desiring of his father's approval and acceptance..

you got a bad case of being normal.. he probably does too

Even with DB {which has helped me incredibly} be sure to read 25yearsmic... she's oughtta sight! so are others here think tools. Your being well is the most beneficial thing you can do for yourself and your family.

Regardless of circumstance, ultimately, he does NOT want to have injured you permanently with his drunkeness.. some things might not heal..

if he's having a little trouble getting/keeping his feet on the ground, so to speak,and is daunted by an uneasy mind about his ability to keep from drinking he may be pushing you away, in part, because of that..

and one last thought from [b]my own personal bias: When I am unmoved (unfearing) regarding my situation, my enemy is reminded of his own destruction. In fact, I've a table (of free unmerited benefit and feasting thereupon) that is prepared before me in the presence of my enemy

My God inhabits the praises arising from my heart. His perfect [immutable, indestructible] love casts out ALL FEAR.

My enemy inhabits that fear.

Be well.. enjoy yourself and your family, just as if: <fill in the ____ here> it's your own stuff; fill it in with good stuff.

;- )

[dbmod]

^

[mishka422]

So sorry! That stinks big time! Spending time at the hospital with a child and the other parent being MIA is not pleasant. Question - did you call H to advise him that you had your child in the ER? That would be a situation that he should be made aware of.

I haven't seen you write much about what you are doing for your own wellbeing during this time. What are you doing for YOU?

[imthemom]

@mishka422..I did contact him, he did not answer me but text our son and told him he hoped it wasnt broken...he then just text me about an hour ago to check and see how he was feeling.
I am lucky to have a great group of girls that I go running with and work out on a pretty regular basis. Im making a point of getting out of the house at least once a week away from the kids and forcing myself to have some fun..and I do mean forcing...
Im working on me, and actually feel like Im getting somewhere with it...

[imthemom]

I posted earlier regaring asking H about going to MC....does anyone have any advice or thoughts on that for me? Im on my 5th day of no contact and want to continue that but was considering asking H about trying that....thoughts please???!!!

[mishka422]

It doesn't sound like he would be receptive to listening or sharing at this point in time. MC is not something that can be sprung on someone. If you end up in a R convo with him then it can be worked into the conversation and only if you are not in a heated argument because the answer will always be no.

Glad to hear you have a group of girls. That's imperative for your own sanity!

[imthemom]

so I guess its commen to think you are getting somewhere and then realize you havent at all...
Im feeling like this just a waste of time, when someone decideds they dont love you anymore I think they just dont...and you are pretty much left with the kids like colateral damage. Then you just have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and not be bitter, even though you tolerated crap for years because of what ever issues your spouse had (alcohol, OW whatever..) and for the you get handed a big bag of CRAP to deal with, like trying to make sure your kids arent so screwed up they make the same mistakes....I dont think I will ever trust another living soul on this earth...

[imthemom]

journaling........
I was in a pretty bad place again last night. H took S14 to his therapy appt. and decided to tell S14 and C that he was final in his decision. of course S14 was upset when he got home and I was left to deal with that alone.
Im feeling like for him to do that he must be pretty set on going ahead with this. H has not mentioned papers in a week, but before then was really putting the preasuer on for me to come to an agreement with him so I had thought that maybe he was thinking about things...wrong again.
This whole "going dark" thing is kind of tricky, with no contact I was feeling better and letting myself think that surely he was thinking things through like I was and maybe this is an improvement. then he started texting me yesterday and came to pick up S without even comeing to the door and I realized that nothing had changed at all.
Its hard not to be angry when I feel like I put up with alot of crap while he was drinking and was always able to forgive him because I wanted our marriage to work, and gave him many chances to make things right, but once he decides its over, there is not discussion or chance to make it right, just DONE!! I am hurting so badly and almost just want him to file and get it over with so I can quit with the back and forth thing and thinking that maybe there is a chance for us to be a family again. that is obviousley not what he wants... and that is painfull to except.
It would have been nice if he had warned me that he had planned on doing that at the appt last night, maybe I could have prepared our S or at the very least made sure I was there for support. If nothing else we def need to work on Co parenting...