Thanks Danl...a appreciate the insight, i have tried to understand were he is comeing from for years
So has he
regarding the drinking and you have helped a lot with that! Thanks, I hope so. I've paid passionately for that knowledge.
Please don't underestimate the the power of certain things that are so seemingly insignificant. Like an inordinate identification with whichever recovery tool--> it's a dissociation; that is to say, the effect is something like "who the heck am I these days anyhow? Seems like the things that make me - me are distant and disconcerting.. maybe I need to shed some of that me.. maybe that's how I keep wrecking this train.. seems like some light ahead of me; but the past (all I can recall of it) __ is mostly dark and incredibly painful The cure can be as bad/worse than the disease.. as they say.
[it is NOT a disease. Has no etiliogy..] the genetic studies remain all but irrelevant: mutated alleles (DNA ) in an etoh (ethyl alcohol) metabolic pathway do not extrapolate to the asserted behaviors..
ie, how well/poorly I metabolize alcohol doesn't make me a drunk one way or the other. One guy gets drunker faster and stays sicker longer due to an inefficient metabolism..
the other guy can 'drink all night' and [seemingly] function well otherwise... neither guy is necessarily a drunk because of his metabolism {those kinds of studies would cost beau-coup bucks, span generations over decades from different control groups arising in different environments around the world, different ethnicities, ages, sex, social & medical histories and so on, and so on, and..
It's much easier to say [and continue writing grants] when too much is made of certain DNA studies and just say, "you have a genetic disease.. which is a subtle and malevolent paradox.. it allows me to dis-connect from the moral responsibility. (diseases are a-moral)..
in effect --> "don't blame me, I was born this way..[maybe it's God's fault]"
On the other hand, the model is appropriate: 'it' is syndromal (runs together with other disease and exacerbates), gives rise to underlying disease (potentiates) disease, it is toxic; kills cells upon contact, water soluble.. attaches an etoh molecule to every water molecule.. [does not completely cook out of a dish as long as water molecules are present] and invades almost ALL tissues because of that solubility, true DT's can be morbid are treated medically as such
for some reason your post did not show up and just found it this morning, at the exact time i needed to...his behavior is confusing to me right now, not anything it has ever been before or since he has stopped drinking so it was very helpfull..thanks for the encouragment..
AA is a good tool; but a tool can injure a person.. even badly. It's a codified behavioral system.. think 12 steps/Ten Commandments..
or "step on a crack, break your mother's back" or little one, "please do not put your fingers in the fan" .. see what I mean? eventually, the child WILL put their fingers in the fan.
[from a Christian perspective, the Ten Commandments were given to show our utter inability to keep from breaking even a seemingly simple set of moral codes of behavior... thus we have DIRE NEED of a Saviour:{not more Law..} We need free unmerited favor of God.. Grace
In effect, "That's ok kiddo; you are as bad as {and actually much worse than you can know}.. but [b]FEAR NOT My love for you is permanent and indestructible: Not even you can separate my love for you.. you can neither earn it nor lose it.. it is permanent {eternal}
Consider detaching from a strange beast called alcoholism .. not it's willing 'victim'. He wants you on the peripheral awareness of his drunkeness anyhow. His self-respect, dignity, sense of wholeness, self-worth as a man, husband, dad, brother, employee, friend.. everything's on the table... and it's private.. he doesn't want his wife to think of him as a crippled drunk..{neither should he}
those conversations have different context in my marriage as compared to that in a roomful of drunken dope-fiends... bduh.. but it can be incredibly confusing since 'I can't seem to find my b utt with either hand these days'..
he doesn't want to bring 'the room' home with him.. but if he's too strongly associating his identity with AA or any other.. the point is moot.
You said you had a daddy complex. So do I. I miss my ol' man 'bout every day..
someone said, 'Inside the chest of every lion-hearted man beats the heart of child desiring of his father's approval and acceptance..
you got a bad case of being normal.. he probably does too
Even with DB {which has helped me incredibly} be sure to read 25yearsmic... she's oughtta sight! so are others here think tools. Your being well is the most beneficial thing you can do for yourself and your family.
Regardless of circumstance, ultimately, he does NOT want to have injured you permanently with his drunkeness.. some things might not heal..
if he's having a little trouble getting/keeping his feet on the ground, so to speak,and is daunted by an uneasy mind about his ability to keep from drinking he may be pushing you away, in part, because of that..
and one last thought from [b]my own personal bias: When I am unmoved (unfearing) regarding my situation, my enemy is reminded of his own destruction. In fact, I've a table (of free unmerited benefit and feasting thereupon) that is prepared before me in the presence of my enemy
My God inhabits the praises arising from my heart. His perfect [immutable, indestructible] love casts out ALL FEAR.
My enemy inhabits that fear.
Be well.. enjoy yourself and your family, just as if: <fill in the ____ here> it's your own stuff; fill it in with good stuff.
