Chaos, I will do what you say. I need to let God and my inner compass guide me on this one.

I have been up for a couple of hours. Haven't been able to fall back asleep. Feel terrible. Found this article, which spoke to me: Surviving Infidelity -- Rewriting the marital history

It seems to speak to almost everything that my W and I discussed last night. The justifications...the blame...the demonizing...the need for me to not only accept all of the blame for the dissolution of our M but to also openly embrace her new life and be happy for her...

(She did say, "You should be happy for me." Rather than say, "I'm happy that OM is treating you so much better," I simply said, "I'm happy that you're happy." I also apologized for hurting her self-esteem and not changing enough when she began to communicate dissatisfaction in the months leading up to the A and S.)

Most of all, I identify with the sense of my reality being distorted like a piece of salt-water taffy. I no longer know what's real and what's not. The only other person who would know what our R was like is saying that it was a bust, that I was a selfish person the entire time, that I never met her needs, that she's much better off being with OM...

...though I feel strongly that she's distorting and rationalizing things to justify her new R, I can't readily disagree with a lot of the grievances she has discussed with me. I would really hate to think that my darkness/L-LRT will turn out to be just another "selfish" act on my part...I really just want to do the right thing for me, for her, and for her family...

*pinches bridge of nose with thumb and forefinger, shuts eyes in frustration*

I need to go back to bed. Sunday should be my day of rest.


Us: mid-20s
T: 5.5 yrs
M: 2 yrs
S + OM: 6/21/11
Legally S'd: 9/9/11

In this life, you have a limited amount of mental currency. You get what you pay for, so spend it wisely.

So it goes. --Kurt Vonnegut