alcoholic H decided he wants D

[imthemom]

so this is just for the sake of getting it out before i stuff it again..
Up for hours this morning, my fave time since the house is quiet and boys still asleep. The time when I do the best thinking....am having major insights about myself as usual..
I was raised by a single mother (six of us kids) my "father" left when I was 2 and never came back, know nothing about him other then he was not a good person and is dead now.
I have always had major anxiety with men leaving..and by men i mean any man, boyfriend, husband,son, male boss..you name it, i take it very personal. In my marriage it could be as simple as H going to work. I would never say anything but just kind of felt it and thought I was crazy. the same with rejection (which NOBODY likes) but if I asked if H wanted to go to dinner and got a no,(which was a given because he was always drinking) i would take it as a person rejection to me and be miserable!!...I have always dismissed the whole issue even in therapy and refused to except that it was a problem because how cliche is that???? really?? Its so typical and obviouse that it could not apply to me because obviousely I am so special that a typical thing like that could not apply to ME!!....
I know this sounds crazy but I have had this huge realization this morning that this has obviousely effected a great many things in my life....just working on me and feeling like Ive made a break threw in a lot of ways..so there it is, in writing, for everyone to see....I have daddy issues....good lord!!!
feel like a pat on the back is in order for that