In 2 weeks it will be 10 years since I joined this bb. Have had 3 different personas so my signup date is not accurate but it was first week of Nov, 2001. Too little, too late. H had left in August, moved in with OW on Nov 1. I was a mess!
One brief return home in Dec then he was gone for good. One of the nastiest. He was extremely cruel to me and gave as little as possible to our 3 kids. My 2 youngest (then teens) were devestated.
Fast forward 10 years. Kids and I are still very close, very connected. He is still trying to have some kind of R with them although they won't accept OW and so they don't spend holidays or anything together and this bothers him.
But it is still ALL ABOUT HIM - just as it was when he left.
D is now 23. Graduating next month. Just learned she can only invite 2 people to her grad. Was worried about inviting Mom and Dad. I told her to do what she felt right about but that I was a big girl and could handle him. We made some peace when our oldest, disabled son was in a coma last Dec. I had not seen or spoke with him in 5 years but called him at that time and spent hours with him in hospital. And we are a little better since then. And S is doing great too.
But D has now decided she would rather have middle S and I at her grad, not her father. He has been more like a dad to her. In fact - when the split occurred and he was 19 - he asked to be named guardian of his siblings in the event of my death so his dad could not have them. Mature!
When D and I talked about her grad the other night (& I reminded her to make her own decision on who to invite), she started to talk about the divorce and how devestating it was for her. Changed her life forever. Shaped who she was. It was hard to hear. I did the best I could. I know I made mistakes (like talking bad about her dad at times - big regret) but I was always there for her - even when I was at my lowest point ever.
So just a reminder to everyone who is still in the trenches. Your kids did not ask to have this happen - they'd have done anything to avoid it but like us - they have no control over it at all. They can and WILL lash out - and it is often at the one closest to them. In my case - the kids rarely lashed out at him because they were afraid he would cut them off completely - so I took the brunt of it.
But do the best you can with your children. You only get one shot at raising them. And it IS challenging. But it is also WORTH IT! The payoff in the end is huge!
