I also copied TG's words. They are worth a second, third, fouth, etc... read. Love is a choice. Real love is unconditional. Those are hard lessons not everyone learns. Thanks TG.
Cam, hang in there. I know how hard it is. I read in the Journey from Abandonment to Healing (or some other loss book recently) that "OUR" grief is the worst kind. IOW, even though many of us are experience similar sitches, it hurts so much when it is our own sitch. We can empathize, but we can only truly feel our own pain. And that is what we have to do.
Keep posting. I think just knowing people are out here pulling for us helps on some level!!
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Just found out my wife picked up last night at the girl she lives with 30th birthday. That's it for me now......I am done. I do not want her in my life again, and as far as she is concerned I never want to see her again. This was actually the point I needed to move on and remove that bitch from my life. Thanks to all for your support here, but I don't think I will be back now. My M is over and done now and I need to start my life again and put the last 8yrs behind me as a waste and a learning experience.
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
Sorry to hear this Cam... though I think you missed a word in your first sentence so I'm a little confused...
"she picked up last night"... is that a colloquialism Down Under? Does that mean she hooked up with OM? or OW I suppose...? Just trying to understand what you said exactly.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
and put the last 8yrs behind me as a waste and a learning experience.
You know it can only be one of the two?
Look man, I understand how you feel and I'm not trying to tell you what to do or what to think..
If you are done, what now? What are you going to do to make it so your next relationship doesn't follow a similar trajectory?
If this is a learning experience, what have you learned and what do you have left to learn?
In your future, you are going to have a better relationship with someone than you previously had with your W. What is it that you are going to be doing differently that is going to be responsible for that?
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
Well apparently it wasn't true. I confronted her about it over the phone, and then spoke to some other people at the party and it wasn't true. A guy was hitting on her all night, but nothing happened.
We spoke for about 30min and both cried the whole time. She sounds sad about us, but reiterated her position of not being in love with me. She just texted me saying sorry I feel this way, but her decision is final and she is not changing her mind. I think i still have to give up. This is such a waste. Aeo this has been a learning experience, I've learnt a lot about who I am and how I am in relationships. I know what NOT to do now.
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
I know our goal is to save our M and if that can't be done then,
...well, f@ck it.
Do you think your W came to that same conclusion at some point?
OK
So you are here with a big sh!t sandwich.
Cam no matter what YOU do. or DON'T do.
You can only can only be certain of one thing.
YOURSELF.
Are you certain of that?
What has this taught you about YOU.
You are giving up because you think she doesn't value you.
Do you value you yourself?
How do you measure that? By whether your W wants to come back to yor not?
It was a waste? Are you a waste?
Cam I know it is hard when you do realize that your beloved spouse is not willing to commit to it when you are.
BUT
That is the wrong measure of success.
It is what you commit to. What you ask of yourself and endure for yourself
In the face of complete rejection. And beyond. That is when you find yourself.
Beyond someone elses choices and in the truth of your own.
Take what happened: You thought she hooked up. Then you found out she didn't.
In between those two facts that were true. Both of them. At one point. Where was Cam in the middle of that?
Who was he? I will tell you. He was the pawn in between.
Why?
Because he chose to be.
Why would you (and continue to do so) give someone the power over whether you are a waste or not?
This is hard sh!t Cam.
The only way to gain that awareness is to go through the fire of it. You can leave here because your M is over but your leaving some chips on the table my friend.
You are leaving a very valuable person behind.
Who do you think that is?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
What NOT to do......well, I will never take someone for granted again, I will never put work and career ahead of my R or let it take over my life. I will be a more loving and openly affectionate person, a nicer person and more appreciative. I will be a more a more relaxed person and hopefully happier (although I don't think I will ever get over this or my W). I will not be a prick to people or cocky. I will try to be the fun, cheeky, happy person my W fell in love with.
I think my W decided last year she never wanted to save this and it was too far gone and she shut down her feelings for me. She said again yesterday that if we had gone to counseling in may last year we would have saved this. I said no to it, and tried to sort myself out without telling her.
I don't value myself at the moment....I know I need to, but I feel like such a failure. I failed her, myself, my family......I have let everyone down. I feel it is a waste, a waste of our dreams and a life together. A waste of 8 yrs of a great bond and friendship.....all thrown down the drain.
I am leaving the old me behind, and to be honest I don't think that person will come back. I am completely empty without her and feel as if my right arm has been cut off. We were attached at the hip and now that she has gone for good, I don't even know where to begin to pick up the pieces.
And even though she says her decision is final and she won't change her mind, I stupidly don't want to believe this, accept it or give up even though I know it is futile.It's too late as she says.
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
"She said again yesterday that if we had gone to counseling in may last year we would have saved this."
I'm not buying that, and you shouldn't, either. She's throwing more blame on your shoulders. What stopped her from going to IC herself?
Cam, I understand your feelings of loss and that you have lost a part of you. Let those emotions wash over you but also understand that you let yourself become very codependent on her. The only course of action you can take now is to work hard at becoming an independent person again. Try not to idolize her or think that you will never be happy again. It's a slow and often agonizing process, but at some point you will begin to see your life without her and it will not be misery.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
