Well, I just got done with the "closure." Wow, what a night. I don't even know where to go with this.
W stopped by. She took a look around the apartment, saw the rabbit, then sat down on the couch. I sat down on the couch, too. After a while of making just light conversation, she said, "You don't want me here, do you?" I said that yes, I did want her here. (I didn't want to be cold. It didn't feel right.)
We began to discuss my recent decision to go dark. She still thinks it's selfish and that my going dark is a sign that I'm too "immature to handle what's happening." I continued to reiterate why I've been doing it: because the fact that she is with OM bothers me. She asked why, and I answered, "Why wouldn't it bother me?" She maintained that I've always been selfish in our R and that this was just a continuation of that selfishness.
She angrily told me what she had been told by her lawyer (the same guy who took care of her accident lawsuit). Even though we split the money unevenly in the beginning, money doesn't matter when it comes to law -- assets do, however. And I have all of the old furniture which was bought with her student loans. She apparently has records of all of this. Basically, she said that she didn't want to have to screw me in court, but she felt that my cutting her out of my life gave her no choice.
Then the tone changed. Her anger started to slip away into sadness, and she started to cry. So did I. Couldn't help it. We were connecting, and it didn't feel wrong. W apologized for having an A on me. She said that out of our entire R, that was the one mistake that she made. She said that she was unhappy at the time and didn't know how to handle it. I was happy that she apologized for this and admitted that it was wrong for once.
She also explained why OM is so important to her. (She says that there are problems, but that things with him will probably work out.) She said that she was sexually frustrated toward the end of our R because I never touched her or because I was often hesitant in my actions -- OM knows what he is doing. She said that she waited for years for me to change and that I never changed enough -- OM changed as soon as she told him what upset her about him. She said that she couldn't stand the fact that I constantly mentally compared her to every other woman on the planet -- OM doesn't seem to even register other women. She said that he thought that she was the most beautiful woman in the world when he met her and that it devastated him when he found out she was married.
W asked if the reason that OM bothers me is because I still love her. I admitted that I still have feelings for her. W said that she hasn't loved me for a long time. She also told me a deep, dark secret, one that I had not known prior to this. At our wedding, while she was reciting her vows, she had started to cry. Everyone had assumed that it was because she was so happy. W admitted that she had been crying because she knew that she was making a huge mistake. No one but OM and I knows this.
W said that she is happy with OM and that he is everything that I should have been to her. However, she also admitted that there is a lot that was good about our R. She said that she knew that I helped her through grad school, that I helped her with her PTSD and panic attacks, that I was very supportive of a lot. She said that we were great friends and that she doesn't want to lose that part of us. She said that the one thing that she misses the most about us is how we laugh. W and I had the closest sense of humor ever. Only we really got our jokes.
W mentioned her parents. Said that they were hurt that I was cutting them out of my life, too. Also said that they were supportive of her choice to D me and be with OM. I told her after her telling me about the "crying" secret that I wish we'd never been married -- that I felt bad that so many people had come to it only for it to go to hell less than two years later. W said that she felt the same way and told her parents about it, but that they said that it didn't matter, that she should just do what makes her happy. She mentioned that the other night at dinner, her parents said that they were proud that she was finally doing something that made her happy.
W said several times that she would be the best thing that ever came along to me. She said that she thought that I probably would find another woman who would be a "better fit" for me, but that she still wouldn't be nearly as good as her. She said that whoever I find will truly be "the most beautiful girl in the world" to me. That negative thoughts about this girl's appearance would never even occur to me.
After all of this, I tried to remain adamant on my original stance of darkness, but I began to feel ambivalent. For one thing, I started to feel terrible. As horrible as W's decision was to D me and have an A, I started to feel very responsible for the pain that I had caused her through my mistakes, which were legitimate. Also, I began to feel as though DB-ing in the hopes of getting her back was becoming pointless. That she had really left the R for good, so what point was there in stonewalling her anymore?
Finally, I settled with, "This is how I feel for now. I don't know what I'll feel like in the future." W told me that she hopes that I can get over how OM makes me feel because she doesn't want to lose us completely. She said that she understands that I need space now and that she will give it to me. She also said that she would appreciate some money for the furniture, although I made it very clear to her that I barely have enough to pay for bills and food.
The very last thing I told her was, "I have to think about things. This was a lot. I need to process this. I'm the type of person who needs to process things." She said that she understood. She asked if I wanted to get something to eat or if she wanted me to leave. I suggested getting a pizza, but she said that she was going to leave and get some McDonalds by herself instead. She asked if she could come back in December to see the rabbit again. I said sure.
I said that I was thinking that I should go visit her parents because I was concerned that they were hurt about my behavior. (This is why I had sent that "This-is-how-I'm-doing" e-mail to them.) My W told me not to. She answered that "They were hurt at first, but now I think that they need their space." She seemed very adamant that I not visit them, so I said okay. I'll admit, it seemed very suspicious.
Then she left.
------------------------------------
So there we have it. A very emotional night. To be honest, I really don't know what to do right now. Is DB-ing in the hope of getting her back even worth it? Or is the best thing for me to really let her go from my heart? On one hand, I am remaining skeptical of a lot about what she said. After all...she's the best thing that will ever come my way? I mean, are we full of ourselves or what? And as for the thing about her needing to feel like the only girl in the world to whoever she's with...
I'll admit, I need a woman's opinion on that one. To me, it seemed incredibly insecure for her to need to feel like that. It always seemed as though most couples understand that sometimes you'll see people who you might think would be more attractive in a different life, but that you love your S so much that it doesn't matter.
On the other hand, I'm getting where she felt upset in our R. I understand it more and feel very hurt that she feels hurt. I wish that I could just take it all away; that I could have been different. Now, I'm starting to feel that there's really no hope. That it would just be better for me to let her be with someone else who has the capability of making her happier than I ever could.
As for OM, it's hard to say what's real or not. I must admit that the fact that he horned in on her even though she was married really said a lot about his character. Still, she seems to really believe that he's a wonderful guy and that he is making her feel better than I ever did. Her behavior tonight did not seem "fog"-like. I'm wondering if he really is as great as she says.
I'm also questioning my darkness. I really did it because I thought that it was the best thing for me, but she seems convinced that it's terribly selfish of me. Like now I'm cutting her off after all of the stuff that I did or didn't do in the R. Not only that, but it's causing a very negative reaction. DR had a passage about not doing something if it's causing a negative reaction in your S. Oh, what to do?
Gosh...what a night. I'm going to eat something, then go to bed. It's all I have the strength for.
