25yearsmlc, wow, I sure wish my wife had your attitude and thought the way you do! Because if she did, I would consider my problem virtually solved. I would feel she was "on board" with me in starting the journey to solve the problem, rather than just having a wall up that is defended from every angle.
And I totally agree with your attitude from my side. If I had ED, unlike many men I'd be heading for the doctor right away.
Now you ask a very good question, about which you think I've been very vague. The big question: why? And this is something I've asked her until she considered it harrassment. And the reason I kept asking is because she had an endless series of reasons. Sometimes it was just that she was too tired. And when she wasn't tired, it was that I had forgotten to take care of something a week ago that bothered her, which she didn't complain about UNTIL it was convenient to use as an excuse to avoid sex. Yep, those kinds of answers are all that I could get. And then later she mentioned the SA, but it's not clear she really believes that's the reason either. She has said many times she doesn't see the point in sex, though she admits she was turned on early in our marriage. But she doesn't seem to know why she's not turned on any more. And she won't discuss why she never lets me try to stimulate her physically. Pretty much what I've outlined already in earlier posts.
The bottom line is I never found out what the fundamental reason is, even after lots joint sex therapy. Layers of excuses were eliminated and other objections satisified, such as me taking care of the dishes every day, etc. But then it would always be another reason.
I eventually came to the realization that it's not always clear to someone why they don't want sex. And that allowed me to be more understanding because it's now clear that she also believed some of her excuses might be the reason. More dancing, going out, nice restaurants, vacations, etc., and I think she was dismayed and feeling guilty about the fact that sex still seemed to her (as far as I could tell) something that provoked anxiety and to be put off as much as possible.
So if that's what you think rings hollow, well, I'm in full agreement. But I feel confused by all the advice about how men are simple, like a switch, and so all you need is Viagra, and some good lingerie, and they're good to go. But women are so complicated, like the control panels in a 747 cockpit, and I've felt like I could never get it all figured out with my wife. I was never good enough. Those are the feelings I was dealing with for a good while in the early part of the SSM. For example, I would hear advice about foreplay, and I would think, OK, after a romantic dinner and dancing, just exactly when is it that a woman would want foreplay? I tried and never had any luck, I thought I wasn't smart enough. Maybe I always missed those few microseconds when she would have been receptive?! My wife would always say she was tired when we got home. And no rain check for the next morning, when she's busy with stuff that needs to be done.
And of course, after the "I love you's" and good conversation earlier in the evening, when nothing appeared to be happening in bed, I would eventually be stupid enough on some nights to ask, "Why don't you want sex?", which, of course, she considered to be the most unromantic thing for me to say because it made her feel like crap and ruined the evening. So then her reason for not wanting sex was my "unromantic" and crude way of putting her down sexually. I mean, we're talking a "no win situation" here!
Perhaps it's revealing how when there's a sex survey quoted on TV, etc. about how sex is good for your health, increasing your immunity, etc., she would often comment with a laugh that "the survey was probably done by a man!" So, yeah, really, I don't think she fundamentally sees it as an important thing. And if I need to deal with it, well, here's a Playboy and there's the bathroom. Seriously. Kind of funny, but that is kind of her attitude.
As for completely refusing... well, not completely. If I absolutely begged for it I might get an HJ, but that's it. But that just lost its appeal to me after a while.
So, why? Yeah, you tell me. I'd sure like to know myself. Maybe she would too!
